“KENT WAYNE! THE HULL ON THIS INTERDIMENSIONAL FIGHTER ISN’T DESIGNED TO WITHSTAND BULLSHIT OF THIS MAGNITUDE! IF YOU CONTINUE TAKING DAMAGE, THEN ODDS ARE THAT YOU WILL—”
“Never tell me the odds!” I pull down on a lever marked SHROOMS, feeding a fresh boost of psychedelic go-juice into the imaginal throttle. My psychogenic thrusters bloom with mandalas, then—
—kick into high gear, sending my apocryphal vessel rocketing through the folds of space-time-consciousness (that’s the the missing ingredient when it comes to unifying quantum mechanics with general relativity, in case y’all were wondering). I yank the steering column sharply to the right, directing my craft into a steep, plunging barrel roll. Heavens and Hells flash by me in equal measure, streaming past my cockpit in a chimeric blast of fictitious cognition.
Irma Horfendorff, my vindictive ex, doesn’t miss a beat. She follows close on my tail, deploying her rage-chatter and squawk-missiles with vicious aplomb. One of her I-want-a-diamond-RIGHT-FUCKING-NOW salvos stitches a path across the upper left side of my fighter, causing sheets of rainbow light to flux across my force-field.
“SHIELDS ARE AT 12%,” my flight computer informs me. “PILOT WAYNE, YOU CANNOT SUSTAIN ANOTHER IMPACT. IF YOU DO, THEN—”
KAKAKAKA! Another hit! FUCK!
I look around in wild panic as my holographic dashboards fritz and go dark. Everything begins to spark and disintegrate, crumbling apart into a lightning-threaded mess of broken metal and flame-speckled plumes of thick, acrid smoke. In another second, I’m going to be exposed to 100% abstraction without any protection whatsoever. I’ll be torn to shreds; my remaining fragments will be scattered to the fury of the psychic winds.
Not an option. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
As my craft dematerializes around me in a glowing fade of transparent hexagons, the burrito from last night manifests from my butthole as the mother of all relationship killer—the destroyer of snuggle time, the progenitor of a resentment-filled silence on date night, the slayer of all boners and dryer of all vajeens:
The Breakup Fart.
WHHHOOOOOOOSHHHH!!! A cyclone of horror launches out from my starfish, protecting me from the hypothetical vacuum by ensconcing me in a sheath of my own fetid stink. Simultaneously, it funnels backward and envelops Irma’s interdimensional fighter in an unholy blast of sriracha, refried beans, and Sheer Fucking Evil.
Over the roar of the Breakup Fart, I hear her howling in rage. “DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAMMMMN YOOOOUUUUUuuuu….”
NEVER fuck with me after I’ve maowed down an extra spicy, extra cheesy burrito! Ha HA! Kent Wayne escapes again!
Is your crazy AF ex chasing after you, demanding colorless gems that worsen the world through poorly-disguised third-world exploitation during the harvesting and refinement process, not to mention they put you in danger of bankruptcy through their 3-month’s-worth-of-salary-PER-FUCKING-ITEM price tag? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜