Countless luminaries have drawn inspiration from the written word. Books have allowed us to slog alongside Frodo, as the weight of the world hangs from his neck, or smell the gunsmoke as Roland the Gunslinger blasts away with his storied revolvers. You could make a solid argument that Solzhenitsyn dealt Communist fascism a crippling blow with his literary classic, the Gulag Archipelago.
Writing is a gift, no doubt about it…
But so is masturbation.
FIVE YEARS AFTER KENT WAYNE BUYS A SUBSCRIPTION TO FIFTYPLUSMILFS:
OHYESICAN! *Kent flogs his hog, eliciting a gross chorus of squishy mac-n-cheese noises* SKA-PLOOSH!
My door bursts open. A team of tier-1 shooters flood in, clearing their sectors and securing my studio. A second later, leaders of every stripe—presidents, prime ministers, Nobel prize winners—crowd into my apartment, begging with me to stop jerking off and get back to writing.
“Soccer moms are revolting because you’re not paying attention to them—”
“Grammar Nazis have free reign. Now that you’re no longer writing about giant robots and psychic battlescapes, they’re filling our minds with UTTER BULLSHIT—”
“Please Kent—the world needs you!”
I inspect them all with my rheumy, lackluster gaze…then close my eyes in weary resignation. “There’s nothing I can do,” I rasp. “Fiftyplusmilfs is just too damn good. My wiener’s insatiable, it’s—”
And then my eyes open wide. Of course—the answer was in front of me the whole freakin’ time! I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
BOOM! Vitality pours through my withered, sperm-purged body, thickening it with cabled lengths of muscle and restoring my desiccated piece to its former upcurved glory. OH Yeah!
Everyone in my studio breaks out in applause. They start hugging each other, some of them crying in sheer, abject relief. I’m relieved too—five years is a long time to abstain from writing.
But first…one more jerk-sesh.
Has your incessant bean-flicking or wiener-stroking drained every last gamete from your atrophied body? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜