“FELLOW PIZZA-EATERS!” I ride my robo-raptor mount across the dusty, rad-infected plains, casting a fierce gaze through the ranks of my barbarian brothers. “TODAY IS A DAY OF RECKONING!” I raise my tri-bladed sword above my head, reflecting a series of glints off its unforgiving edges. “A RED DAY! A DAY OF BLOOD—OF SCREAMS AND VENGEANCE!”
Throaty roars erupts from the ranks. Axes and scimitars punch skyward.
“NOW—” I wheel my mount, squaring up with the army of food snobs assembled a hundred yards away, and level my blade at their dickless leader. “LET’S SHOW THESE BASTARDS WHAT FUCKING FOR!”
As I charge forward, thrills of battle-rage race up my spine. My lips draw back in a ferocious snarl, but my heart is aflame with a savage grin; whether I live or die, I shall count today as one of the sweetest moments upon this earth. To take up arms with my brethren is—
And then the food-snob leader raises his arm, signaling his minions to activate a giant set of speakers. Lyte Funky Ones’ early 2000s pop song “Every Other Time” blasts across the plains.
I tumble off my raptor and roll to my feet. My limbs being moving of their own accord, popping and locking to one of my guiltiest lyrical pleasures. All around me, barbarians fall into disarray. Screams of disgust ring through the air.
“OUR LEADER KENT IS SECRETLY A PUSSY!”
“HE ENJOYS WATERED-DOWN RAP DIRECTED AT SUBURBAN TEENYBOPPERS!”
“MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!”
I can’t stop; I’m shimmying and grooving, dropping it like it’s hot to the polar opposite of All That Is Man, tears streaming down my face as I watch my fellow barbarians’ disintegrating organs fly from their lips in long, gory fountains.
So I reach into my battle-harness and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Stop. Rewind. BzzzreeoooreeoooREEP!
Time reverses, to a few seconds before the food-snob leader was about to deploy his weapon. Just as he signals his minions to press PLAY, a skull-festooned guitar materializes in my arms, and I begin wailing away on it with the angry-faced tip of my gigantic dick. Meh-neh-meh-neh-MEH! Meh-neh-meh-neh-MEH!
An onslaught of thrash-metal drowns out the #3 selection from my Playlist of Shame (we all have one—that music we can’t get enough of but let no one know about because we’d be constantly assaulted by pointing fingers and raucous laughter), and we pizza-eating barbarians run through our enemies like a hot dildo through a well-lubed asshole.
Ha HA! NOBODY uses my Playlist of Shame against my fellow asskickers! Man Meat Eternus!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜