As I race along the San Francisco skyline, Bitefighter—my trusted friend, 83rd-level intellect, and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—runs frantically by my side, churning up a storm with his nubby little legs. Beads of terror-sweat stream off my face, spackling the concrete below us with trails of moisture.
“Emo-Poet’s deployed a neuro-memetic virus. If we don’t stop it, it’s gonna infect the entire city!”
“And then everyone will write weird bullshit that substitutes indulgent eccentricity for meaningful content! They’ll also wear Hot Topic ALL THE FUCKING TIME!”
I hurdle over a yawning gap between rooftops, catching a brief glimpse of the alleyway below. Bitefighter follows hot on my heels.
“Roof rowfskies McBark-o-face!” he exclaims. (Jesus Christ! Every penis will shrink into an unaesthetic, stunted nub! Testosterone will become nonexistent!)
“Yeah, and it doesn’t stop there; I work out ALL THE TIME dude! You can be damn sure they’ll outlaw squats and hill sprints, meaning I’ll go insane in less than a month! We’ve gotta stop this fucker before—”
“Too late, Kent.” A sinister cackle sounds from behind us.
We stop in our tracks and spin around. Emo-Poet is standing on the edge of the rooftop we’ve just jumped onto, his skinny, stick-like arms crossed smugly in front of his chest.
“You’re too late,” he says. “Look at the city.” His chin jerks left, toward the edge of the roof.
Thirty feet below, San Franciscans are belting out an anal-bleed-inducing look-at-me-I’m-so-clever-and-my-suffering-is-worse-than-yours load of bull puckey in overly loud, high school drama voices. I hear punchlines give way to snark, and rhetoric give way to syrupy-sounding dogshit.
“What have you done?” I whisper, my eyes ticking back and forth across the clusterfuck below. I turn back to him, fists clenched, rage blazing across my face. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???”
“It’s irreversible.” He throws me a smirk. “You’re finished, Kent.”
“Not quite,” I rasp. Then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A skull-rattling BOOM sounds from the east. We turn toward it and watch as Ernest Hemingway’s coarse-haired, bare-chested body rockets out from an old-school cannon. Sunlight glints off his flight goggles as he streaks toward us, hands by his sides, body straightened.
“HI-YO FREAKIN’ CUNTPUNTER!” he yells.
He slams down in an anime-style crouch on the street below, cracking the pavement with the force of his landing. He stands up, reaches into the crotch of his trousers, and withdraws a giant bottle of whiskey. He chugs it, straightens up, and lets out a long, resonant belch.
His hands lift up as if he’s about to conduct an orchestra, brow furrowed in soulful concentration…and then a stream of gut-busting profanity pours from his mouth. Dick, pussy, and butthole jokes fly from his lips, snapping the emo-ensorcelled citizens out of their trance. I look around in dawning astonishment. Hemingway’s manly-ass ribaldry is the perfect antidote to Emo-Poet’s shitty, smegma-worshipping sonnets! Hot DIGGITY!
My archnemesis looks around as well, only in disbelief instead of triumph. The skin under his right eye begins twitching with shock and fury. “No. NO!”
Me and Bitefighter raise our arms in tandem, throwing the Enemy of Testosterone a big ol’ double middle finger. We turn around and start sprinting, leaping onto another rooftop and resuming our madcap dash across the city skyline.
The adventures of Kent Wayne and his Terrier sidekick continue! Ha HA! 😀
Do you need a quick dose of profane hilarity to stem an unending tide of emo bullshit? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜