It has been a day and an age since I have defeated the bumbling fool known as “Kent Wayne.” He mocked me without mercy, condemning my genitals as small and unworthy, and my writing as pedantic and soulless. But who’s laughing now, you big-penised buffoon?
That’s right—I’m Grammar Nazi Prime.
Several years ago, he challenged me to a bout of mind-to-mind combat. I prepared myself through a comprehensive sequence of thaumaturgic rituals, drawing from the depths of Theravada and Mahayana alike, and also adding in a healthy splash of Theosophy. My mental assaults were meticulously constructed, exactly like my writing.
He prayed to Soccer Moms.
I tore him to shreds and scattered his essence to the psychogenic winds. When he voiced his dying request—something about allowing him to “e-jac” one last time—I laughed raucously in face. How sweet it was to hear him plead!
Without his unfettered “creativity” to stymie my efforts, I have been able to expand my influence by orders of magnitude. I have placed my literary boot on the neck of every blogger, every essayist, and every author. All prose adheres to my dictums. Everything is exactly as it should be.
As I sit astride a throne of dusty tomes, I rub my forehead, trying to will away an increasingly insistent headache. Why this malaise? What could be—
And then my withered genitals twitch in my pants. I unzip my fly and look down in utter disbelief.
My penis…it’s dangling between my knees.
No. NO! This must be a nightmare—a lifetime of practicing the Grammarly Arts should have restricted my member to a tenth of an inch! This is…this is…
And then it dawns on me: it looks like just Kent’s wiener.
I stagger away from my throne, coughing and sputtering, coated in a pale, clammy sweat. I reel over to a full-length mirror mounted on the east wall, grasp it with trembling fingers, and look into its depths. A ghostly apparition hovers in the background.
“Hello, Grammar Nazi Prime.” Kent Wayne’s spectral visage grins back at me.
“How did…how did…” My gorge rises, cutting me off.
Kent inspects his nails. “Psychic misdirection. I was able to implant my essence into a layer of your subconscious—one you’ve purposefully repressed in order to advance your foul agenda.”
He pauses, grins, then looks me in the eye. “Your inner sex fiend.”
“I’ll kill…I’ll KILL…” I can’t get the words out. My hand reaches into my pocket without my consciously intending it—the dastard has taken control of my gross motor functions—and opens my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Arcane energies arc across me, transforming my body into a well-muscled, pendulous-scrotumed specimen of All That Is Man. If this were a movie, the camera would spin around me Michael Bay-style as I experience a super-cool transformation that would make He-Man, She-Ra, and Voltron cream their pants.
Kent Wayne is BACK, baby! WHOO!
My wiener unwraps itself from around my right thigh and meets my gaze.
“Damn straight, buddy!” I throw him a nod. “Let’s go see if our membership to fiftyplusmilfs is still active!”
What’d you expect? Kent Wayne ALWAYS wins! Ha HA! 😀
Has your archnemesis threatened you with the prospect of existential annihilation? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜