“Cult Leader Wayne! Cult Leader Wayne! Bless me with your magical wiener-goo!”
I beckon to her from my glistening, marmelade-covered throne. “Let me see your ID.”
The eager adept reaches into her purse and withdraws a driver’s license with trembling hands. I scrutinize it with a furrowed brow, then shake my head.
“You’re only 25. Way too young to qualify as a soccer mom.”
“I can add crow’s feet and wrinkles to the corners of my eyes! I can—”
“That’s not what it’s about. Soccer moms have launched a disgusting, booger-eating diaper-filling shit-machine from the depths of their vajeen, and raised that child into an ungrateful, whiney, suburban teenager who sulks because they didn’t get the right gaming console. All that bullshit mentally prepares them to handle my fetid body odor, and truly appreciate my magnificent penis. You’re still young—go get disillusioned by a temporarily handsome douchebag who lies about his character. Once he’s destroyed your dream of a modern day prince in the form of a bad boy whom you can eventually tame into wearing a turtleneck, THAT’S when you come to me.”
She takes back her ID and walks dejectedly away.
I relax in my throne. Ahhh…being a loony cult leader’s hard work! What’s next on the agenda? I open my tablet, scrolling through a laundry list of priorities.
Shave my balls? Nah—did that six months ago. Try and eat enough pizza to give birth to a giant shit-bridge that props itself on either end of the toilet bowl and hovers above the water? Hmm…think I’ll pass—yesterday, I went on an X-men movie binge. As a celebratory tribute, I made a double shit-bridge in the toilet (I made sure it looked like an X, of course). Some of my following is still in therapy because I made them clean it up.
What to do, what to do, what to do…
At that moment, hundreds of New-Agers burst into my throne room, blabbing on about the Oneness of All, orgasmic poetry, and gluten-free cupcakes. I might be able to handle one or two, but not this many; their testosterone-free jib-jab is eating at my sanity, turning my throbbing, pendulous balls into minuscule spheres that could pass as an infant gerbil’s frost-bitten pinkie toes.
“AHHGHHLLP!!!” Blood fountains from my mouth as I fall from my throne, clutching my groin. I try to scream “PLEASE!” but it comes out as: “PpphhHHHLLLEEE!”
I’m about to die. No options left, so I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
An elite cadre of soccer mom co-mom-dos burst into the room, snapping necks and lifting hapless bodies up high overhead so they can administer the WWE-style spine-breaker that Bane used on Batman. In a matter of seconds they’ve mowed through my attackers. One of them stuffs 7 grams of magic mushrooms into my mouth, while the other rips my pants open.
“The only way to heal him is to administer CPR—through his penis!”
They immediately begin fighting over who gets to save my life. I can’t help but smile.
Cult Leader Kent Wayne—best job in the entire world. 😉
Has your brain been assaulted by a bunch of glue-sniffers who use watered-down mystical premises to sit on their ass and gaze at their navel? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜