They never stop talking shit about me. All day, every day.
“Kent Wayne? Oh he’s the laziest angel around Heaven. Every one of us has a legit function, but Kent? Dude’s the ‘angel of girth,’ whatever the fuck that means.”
“Kent can barely fly. We’re out there, helping people achieve sainthood or divine union, while he’s spending 90% of his day eating paste and jerking off to milf sites.”
“Maybe if he didn’t communicate half his thoughts in robot and laser noises, I could actually understand what the fuck he’s saying.”
Goddamn them! God DAMN them!!! (oops—I meant to say “May the Big Guy damn them.”) I’m twice the angel they’ll ever be! Just ’cause I don’t have a fancy sword or flap around on some feathery-ass wings doesn’t mean I don’t serve a purpose! What the hell do those assholes know about giant robots or girthy wieners, huh??? I bet they’re all 4 inches around, those piece-of-shit needle-dicks!
I’m Kent Wayne—angel of penile girth and giant robots.
I’m the first of a new breed. Instead of traversing the eternal firmament on a pair of outdated-as-fuck avian appendages, I’ve strapped an array of clean-burn rocketry to my ankles and torso. Think Iron Man with a touch of holy wisdom (and what appears to be an enormous codpiece).
But instead of celebrating my diverse appearance, my snooty compatriots mercilessly tease me for not hewing to the traditional mold. Angels aren’t supposed to look mechanized, and they certainly aren’t supposed to look like they’re smuggling an alien chest-burster between their legs. My peers point and laugh whenever I cruise by, but it’s only a matter of time before they receive their comeuppance. Yeah that’s right—laugh it up, you old-school fucks. The Spartans were laughing at the Athenians, right up until they got pwned on Sphacteria by a bunch of “sissy” Athenian bowmen.
I’m currently stewing in my own anger, hanging out in the Radiant Reaches where no one can see me (all the cool kids hang out in the Splendorous Expanse) when I hear Archangel Mike on the divine intercom:
“DEMONIC INVASION! GET THE FUCK TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!”
I prime my blaster rifle—also affixed with a lightsaber bayonet—flip my data-monocle over my right eye, and zoom over to the Holy Gates. Hellspawn are pouring in like nobody’s business, slaughtering my angelic brethren as if they were a bunch of defenseless beta-males. If someone doesn’t do something, we’re all gonna get ravaged by a bunch of barbed fire-cocks.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Hi-yo fucking CUNT-PUNTER!” I scream, as my heavenly wiener erupts from my trousers. I push the limits of my clean-burn jetpack, rocketing from demon to demon, shooting my girthy hog right into their mouths and exploding their horned, evil-ass skulls. In a matter of seconds they turn tail and run, screaming in terror and shitting their pants.
Ha HA! And THAT’S why you need the Angel of Girth to watch over your immortal soul! 😀
Have you made it into the elite ranks of heavenly asskickers, only to be shunned for your newfangled ways? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜