Macaroni n’ cheese—MMMM!!! Pot roast with veggies—NOMMERS! Mashed terpaters n’ gravy—good LORD!
I LOVE the Whole Foods hot bar!
As I pile heap after heap of delectable noshies into my annoyingly non-dividered cardboard carton (I know I know—I should just get a bunch of the smaller ones, but I’m a cretinous Man Child; I like to put all the food in one carton, just I like to carry all the groceries in one trip), I hum the Star Wars attack theme, pretending the ladles and tongs are TIE fighters and X-Wings. As my pile of lip-smacking chomp-ology grows ever larger, I start throwing in quotes from Luke’s final attack run on the first Death Star.
But right when I’m about to say: “You’re all clear, kid—now let’s blow this thing and go home,” a hand clamps down on my wrist. I look up at its owner and flinch back in shock.
“You’re missing some patchouli, there, Kent.” Starfair the Militant Vegan Hippie grins maliciously at me.
“What the—” My mouth drops open. “You and your kind haven’t been seen in a Whole Foods for years! You were all supplanted by yuppies! What are you—”
“Change in policy!” Starfair snarls, jamming a fistful of roots, dirt, and patchouli-spiced BO into my face.
I stumble back coughing and sputtering. I feel his evil concoction working its way into my bloodstream, lowering my testosterone by 1,000,000%. My nuts suck into my belly, transforming from healthy, grapefruit-sized spheres into a pair of withered pits which baby raisins would point and laugh at. My wiener retracts into a tiny, rice-grain like speck, ensuring that I’ll have to sit when I pee, because otherwise I’ll end up hitting what’s left of my scrotum.
“Ha HA!” Starfair crows. “Now yer like me!”
“Fat fucking chance,” I hiss. Then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Every ounce of meat in the grocery store flows toward me. Some of it streams down my throat, pumping a steady flow of Man into my withered body. As my muscle regenerates, I throw both my arms back and let out a triumphant howl.
“I AM ALL THAT IS MEAT!!!”
Starfair undoes a twenty-foot long length of crystal beads from his neck and begins swinging it in to either side of him, carving glittering figure eights into the air. “Bring it!” he screams.
For the next few minutes, we engage in a dazzling display of meat-to-patchouli combat. My ribeye-coated forearms deflect a chain of disgustingly namby-pamby strikes, while he ducks and weaves under my heavy-handed swath of punches, each of which have been imbued with the power of chops and roasts. We’re dead even; there’s no way to break this stalemate unless…
I run over to the soap section, grab a bar, and brandish it before him.
“This soap might be fair trade and organic, but it’s still anathema to your dirt-munching lifestyle, Starfair!”
Starfair screams and shields his eyes with his forearms. “No—DON’T!!!”
I chuck the bar at him. As soon as it makes contact with his filthy hippie skin, he begins vibrating and seizing, howling and wailing. His head jerks from side to side, speeding into a scary-fast blur that would make the girl from the Exorcist piss her pants.
Then he detonates. PKKKKKEEEWWWW!!!
I quickly backpedal, avoiding a rain of BO-infused gore that splips and splats against the walls and the floor. As I put my back up against the wall, I breathe a long, drawn-out sigh of relief.
Whew! The Power of Meat wins again! 😀
Have you been accosted by a stank-ass hippie who’s trying to force a big ol’ lump of patchouli down your suck-hole? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜