A speaker-boosted voice rings through the air:
“FEE FI FO FUM! I’M ABOUT TO SPLIT ME SOME BUM!”
I scream and wail as I run across an ember-riddled field. Dozens of other Man Whores sprint alongside me, sobbing and pleading as a sleek, insectile attack-ship keep steady pace with us, firing state-of-the-art dildos into our holiest of holies. All around me, my fellow Whorebags go down from shot after shot of laser-guided peens.
POONK! There goes Ryan Reynolds. “NO!” he screams.
P’PANK! George Clooney. “AHGODPLEASE!”
SHHHEEEEEEeeeeoowwww…PLOOP! Channing Tatum. “HOLY MOTHER OF CTHULU!”
I hear the nerve-jangling churn of a gatling cluster—VMMMM—and then a volley of rapid-fire dildos begins chewing up the earth to my left and right. POOKAPOOKAPOOKAPOOKA! I leap into the air and execute a Van Damme-style splits-kick. Just in time—a molded plastic dickhead grazes the edge of my brown eye, forcing a strangled “NNNNN!!!” from my sweat-glazed lips.
I touch back down and keep running, chopping the air with my hands like an anally imperiled version of the T-1000. Sweet jeeze-face McJeezholes I never thought it would come to this….I never thought America would become a dystopian wasteland where Man Whores were hunted down and speared in the butt, like in those bleak-ass X-men episodes where all the mutants got rounded up by Sentinels and put into camps…
The Hemsworth brothers pull ahead of me but they both get harpooned right in the starfish. My last image of Thor and Katniss’s first crush is a blur of screaming faces and flailing limbs as they’re pulled by their poop chutes up into the ship.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Flames and explosions erupt across the ship’s hull. It spirals sideways, but before it can hit the ground, its pilot triggers the eject and flies out of the cockpit.
And whaddaya know—it’s Justin fucking Bieber.
As he drifts downward, Chris Evans—his face is marred with grime and tears—screams, “TEAR THIS DICK-DRIP APART!” but I stop my Man Whore brethren with a raised hand.
“No!” I declare. “Look at him—he’s not worth it! Look at his wiener!”
Justin touches down ten yards away. His pants have been burnt completely off.
“It’s like a traumatized acorn!” Bradley Cooper yells, half in amusement, half in disbelief.
“Quick!” I shout. “Form a ring! Point and laugh!”
Me and my fellow Man Whores encircle Bieber and laugh raucously at his pathetic piece. It’s as pink and squirmy as a baby gerbil.
“No!” Justin Bieber howls. “DON’T LOOK AT ME!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Ha HA! That’s what you get, for persecuting us big-wienered Whorebags!
Man Whore perpetuum! 😀
Has some evil-ass lordling taken to the skies and now hunts you and your kind with laser-guided dildos? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜