Once upon a time, a princess named Erany Lindelthi lived in the forest. She capered amongst the spirits and beasts, and never lacked for anything, for she had been gifted by the Elder Gods with sylvan magics. If she wished for flowers, eye-catching blooms would sprout from the earth. If she wished for clothes, cotton plants would burst from the ground, and weave her a vast array of feather-soft garments. If she desired food, she would command the trees to grow her fruit, and in short order, their branches would groan and creak from the weight of their bounty.
Erany spent most of her days singing “Tra-la-la! Tra-la-la!” as she dipped and twirled through her enchanted forest. When she wished for a mount she would summon a groundling boar—a cantankerous animal which the people of to-day cannot rightly conceive of. It was ten feet long, twenty feet high, and five feet across. A two-tiered depression grew naturally on its back, allowing three menn to sit astride it as if they were sitting inside the confines of a luxuriant stage coach—feet together, back leaning against a shelf of fur-coated hide—rather than a saddled steed.
On her forty-eighth birthday Erany summoned her favorite boar, a dignified brute named Orgoth McSmorgoth. Orgoth clopped through the forest with Erany on his back, affording his mistress a view of the lands, so that the princess might see that all was well. And all WAS well.
Yet Erany was not of a mind to appreciate it.
She sighed loudly and leaned her cheek against her fist. It compressed the flesh upon her face, making her expression sour and bitter.
“I crave carnal pleasure, Orgoth. Cucumbers and eggplants do not suffice. Not anymore.”
“There are many princes in the Douche Land Reaches, milady. If you were to—”
“THOSE dundernonces?” Erany cried, outraged. “Speak not of such poorly endowed imbeciles!” Her eyes glinted with the ardor of a soccer mom. “I need a dangly-balled scrotum that will rhythmically slap against my clit-oris, should my lover decide to take me from behind. I require a mighty circumference, so that the nerve-endings in my vajeen shall be stimulated in a—”
Orgoth cleared his throat. Even though he was a coarse forest beast, he still was vulnerable to TMI, and accordingly, attempted to change subjects. “Ah, perhaps milady would care to discuss the latest goings-on amongst the—”
“Quiet!” Erany snapped. Her eyes unfocused as she contemplated the sun-glazed sky. “I need an upcurve,” she murmured. “Yes…not just an impressively built member, but an appropriate shape to guide its bulk…”
Suddenly, Orgoth stopped and snuffled at a squar-ish object in the middle of their route. Erany clambered down from his flank and picked it up.
“What manner of trinket is this?” Her brow wrinkled. “It possesses a hinged cover that can swing upon the line of its longest axis…”
And then she opened the eReader which was loaded to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Huzzah!” I somersault down from a tree, backflipping thrice before I land lightly on my feet.
Erany lays a hand on her chest, affecting astonishment. “And who are you?”
I bow at the waist, straightening my right leg and planting its heel in the dirt, just like an old-timey courtier. “Kent Wayne, professional Man Whore. I possess every quality you have just mentioned. In my spare time, I enjoy immersing myself in fantastical stories involving gigantic robots, caped heroes, as well as—”
Erany cuts me off with an irritable flap of her hand. “I have no interest in your puerile foolishness, ye fat-headed Nerd! Shut your mouth and doff your clothes!”
A mile-wide grin splits my face. “Yes milady!”
And after many a boff-session, Kent Wayne got a little too enthusiastic with a chain of beads during a session of butt-play (for all you anal adventurers out there: do not invite the greatest of perils by pulling them out like you were starting a lawnmower) and Erany immediately tried to kill him. He managed to escape her rage with panic-widened eyes, voicing protests ranging from “IT WAS A DEFECTIVE SET OF BEADS!” to “AHGODPLEASE!” while running buck naked through her kingdom. Eventually, he traversed its borders and disappeared into Martha Stewart’s cave…
…where he encountered a whole new set of perils and adventures. But that’s a story for another day. 😉
Have you accidentally pulled too fast on the end of your fairy-tale lover’s butt-engorged bead-string, and now fear for your very life? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜