OhmygodohmygodohmyGOOOODDDD—I’m at square C freaking 6! So damn close!
I, Kent Wayne, am a chess piece. The Gods of Games has shit all over my pathetic, phallic form and made me into a pawn. (Big surprise, I know.)
The Hands of Eternity make some moves. I sit there sweating and shaking. After another minute or so, I feel a massive set of fingers clamp around my head.
C fucking SEVEN! SWEET!
At the end of the board, I see a soft, shimmering light-form floating in the air. “COME TO US KENT,” it booms. “WE SHALL GIFT YOU WITH POWER BEYOND IMAGINING.”
Batman in Gotham—no more micro-penis body, no more restrictions to dumbass, one-square attacks on diagonal axes…FINALLY!
Fingers grasp the back of my head, and I start crying. Yes Lord, YES! Make me into an unstoppable instrument of your holy vengeance! I swear that I’ll—
As I touch down, the Light at the End of the Board envelops my body. I can feel its celestial energies coursing through me. I close my eyes in sheer ecstasy.
“JUST ONE THING KENT…”
Huh? My eyes pop open.
“WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU A QUEEN—MEANING WE’LL HAVE TO CHOP OFF THAT AWARD-WINNING PENIS OF YOURS. THE ONE THAT YOU HIDE IN YOUR TORSO AND MAKES UP 95% OF YOUR BODY MASS.”
AAAAAHHHH!!! I start struggling, but it’s no use; the Light at the End of the Board lifts me up with its reality-bending powers, laughing gleefully as I begin to transform.
“HA HA HA! MOO HOO HA HA!”
FUCK! No options left. Through sheer force of will, I grow tiny arms and reach under my base, where I’ve stowed a miniature eReader. I open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My body continues to transform, erupting into a heavily muscled, Bigfoot-looking ape-monster—kinda like the one Chewie uses in that super cool board game they play on the Falcon. I jump back onto the board, collapsing into a rolling ball of muscle and sinew, then spring to my feet, roaring in triumph as I start beating chess pieces’ faces.
I run through an entire row of pawns, then chase a rook across a straight-line axis. He screams in terror; I don’t just run diagonals—I move in CIRCLES, bitch! I corner him at the end of the board, pick him up by the torso, then use him like a battering ram, spearing his spiky crown into my enemies’ assholes. I am no longer the pathetic pawn known as Kent Wayne; I am his prehistoric incarnation—Kunt Wog!
All hail the monkey king Kunt Wog! Ook ook AWK!
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