I waddle into my living room, fingers splayed over my bulging stomach. I lock eyes with my best buddy and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire, Bitefighter.
“I couldn’t help myself,” I moan. “The burritos were too delicious.”
Bitefighter’s eyes widen in shock. “ROWF ARF MCBARK!” (Translation: Goddammit, Kent! You KNOW that birthing one of your food babies will bring about a rain of destruction that’ll make the Tunguska Event look like a child’s firecracker!)
He holds a quantum-encrypted satphone up to his furry ear (he’s a genius, if you didn’t know) and begins barking into it. Someone on the other end replies, causing him to search the air with his eyes, then respond with a terse nod. He clicks the device closed and gives me a grave stare.
“Arf roof mcarfaroo.” (Translation: Transportation is on its way. You’ll be taken to CERN, where you can birth your dook into an interdimensional portal which opens into a dead universe. The receiving universe will be utterly wrecked for a centillion years…but it’ll save our world from being destroyed.)
I hear the WHUP WHUP WHUP of helo blades as my ride settles onto the front lawn. A four-man team of tier one operators rushes up to me and hustles me out the door. In a matter of seconds, I’ve boarded an Area 51-derived, alien saucer/helicopter hybrid. We take off and zoom across the continental United States.
We cover thousands of miles in a matter of minutes. As we’re zipping across the Atlantic, I hear an ominous burble resonate from my belly. I grimace desperately. “I’m not gonna make it.”
The operators exchange looks. These are hard, pragmatic fellas…but they’re also human. They get on their satphones and begins dialing their loved ones. Over the insistent hum of our vehicle’s engines, I hear them murmuring somber goodbyes.
But wait: there’s one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m instantly teleported into CERN headquarters. Some lab nerd screams, “COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!” and hustles me onto a golf cart. We zoom through the facility and stop at a vaulted door. Otherworldly brightness spills from its edges. My chauffeur fumbles a protective set of lenses onto my face and points at the door.
“GET IN THERE AND DO YOUR BUSINESS! AIM AT THE MANDALA-LINED INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL!”
Sweat beads across my brow as my butthole lurches like the first rumblings of an alien chest-burster. I start limp-running, but a horrendous spasm emanates outward from my ass and weakens my limbs. I fall to my knees, belly-crawling towards the door. I’m using every ounce of my strength to contain the prairie-dogging apocalypse that’s now threatening to burst from my starfish. Lab nerds are screaming at me, begging me to just make it to the goddamn portal, but their words blur into a nonsensical drone; I’m giving it everything I’ve got—just like Boromir did when he manned up at the end of the first LOTR. Time starts to crawl and I drag myself forward an inch at a time, praying to Odin, praying to Crom, praying to Batman…
And then I’m stumbling through the door, pointing my weaponized ass at a multiversal vortex that defies the senses.
(censored)
A giant smile blossoms on my face.
The sun will rise another day.
Perhaps you’ve gone a little crazy with the burritos. Maybe you mistook the sriracha for ketchup. Whatever the case may be, Echo will save your ass…from destroying the effin’ world! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle #kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book
Kent Wayne 
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