Bezos busts through the wall, sighting in on me with dozens of unnecessarily visible aiming-lasers, mounted on the shoulders of his billion-dollar mech-suit.
“What the fuck?” I jump out of bed and cover my gigantic penis with a nearby pillow.
A band of shadow descends on his eyes. “Penis…ROCKETS!”
No time to think—I leap and roll, narrowly avoiding a quartet of micro-missiles as they sear the air with twisting smoke-trails, exploding in sequence and destroying my collection of fleshlights and action figures.
I surge into a crouch and stare at my preciouses, now reduced to a flaming pile of rubble. “You…YOU…” My lip quivers, then a single tear runs down my cheek.
“Penis…SWORDS!” Bladed dildos clack out from his forearms, sparking and hissing as they light with blue electricity.
“Whoa!” I turn sideways, narrowly avoiding a downward swipe. “HEY!” I duck a horizontal, neck-level swing.
“Penis…HEAD!” He grabs my wrists and pulls me into a vicious headbutt—for a second, stars flood my field of view.
“Ow! FUCK!” I stumble back, clutching my bloody nose. “What in the FUCK!” I glance at the blood dappling my fingers, then fix him with an angry stare. “WHY?”
“I’m taking over your site, Kent—going to replace it with a tribute to the idol I represent with my bald-headed dome.”
My eyes crinkle in puzzlement. “A…penis? Why does that entail my violent death? Also, you’ve got a perfectly good one right here.” I glance down at my knee-knocking womb-hammer. “There’s plenty of readers who’d appreciate my—”
“NO!” He points a trembling finger at the Widener (yes, we all give it a nickname, and I’m no exception). “Do you realize how many women that…that THING has spoiled for me??? Fuck a hotdog down a hallway—ever heard of a needle in the Grand fucking Canyon? It’s way beyond ‘Is it in, yet,” I’m talking—”
“I get it, I GET IT.” I pat the air with both hands. “Look, man—”
“So now I’m gonna take over your digital presence, and set expectations for what a penis SHOULD be!” He punches some buttons on his left wrist console. “BEHOLD!” His groin plate opens with a metallic ch-CHANK, revealing a sickly, molerat-pale, hamster-tail sized wiener.
“AHGOD!” I shield my face with both hands. “NO! For the love of all that’s fucking holy, put it away! It kills, IT KILLS!”
“I’ll take your life, then your site.” As he raises a quantum-lit arm-cannon, his face stretches into a malicious grin. “Adios, Man Whore.”
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Jeff’s thimble-sized wiener rockets through his armor and shoots upward, right into the center of his gaping maw. He stumbles back, clutching his throat, wheezing, “Not like this…not like this…” before it cuts off into a pained gurgle.
Meanwhile, my site shifts and changes, reconfiguring into…well, definitely not hamster-sized wieners, I can tell you that much!
Stay tuned! Website changes are coming!
Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor.Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here: Weapons of Old, paperback. A Quest Into Mystery here: A Quest Into Mystery on Kindle Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 
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