Goddamn, I’ve never eaten a ghost pepper burrito!  “Sorry guys.”  I pat my belly, then spread my legs and address my butthole.  “I’ll make it up to you later.”

OM NOM NOM GALUMPH!  Down the hatch it goes!  Woof, that is a LOT of food.  I fold my arms on top of my desk and bury my head inside my elbows.  Gonna take a little nap and let that settle….

***SEVERAL HOURS LATER…***

“Kent!  Wake up, you fuckwit!” 

I snap up from my desk.  The President is shining from my laptop, boring into my eyes with a furious glare.

“Huh?  Whuh?” 

“Wipe the drool off, you Neander-fuck mouth breather!  The nerds in DARPA say you’ve triggered an  extinction-level event!”

I swipe my hand across my lips, cutting a strand of saliva that leads from my face to a little blob atop my desk.  “What are you talking about.  All I did was eat a—”

BLUBLUBBLUBBBBBBBLLLUUUURGGLE

I look down at my stomach in abject horror.

“Mother of God,” I whisper.

“That’s right, dickhead!  You’re about to wipe out the western seaboard!  Listen, there’s a level five bomb shelter a mile from your condo.  Agents are coming for you as we speak.  They’ll transport you to the shelter and seal you inside.  Don’t worry, you’ll survive.  Everyone knows they can’t be hurt by their own brand, so—”

“HGGGKK!”  I clutch my belly as sweat springs out across my brow.  “I can feel it inside me…like an evil honey badger that took a shitload of meth.  Ah God!”  I wince and curl inward.  “My asshole’s dilating—I can feel it crowning!”

A four-star general leans in to the camera.  “Listen, son, you need to control your pain through Lamaze-style breathing.  It’s the only way to—”

The door busts open.  Federal agents pour into my condo.  “Kent Wayne, we’re here to help!”  The team leader extends a hand.  “Don’t worry, just keep it contained until—”

Tears of blood leak down my cheeks.  “It’s too late.  Find some cover while you still can.”

“Bombers inbound,” the President declares.  “I’m sorry, Kent, we just can’t risk it.”  My screen goes dark. 

The agents look up as the scream of jets grows in our ears.  One of them dials his family and says heartfelt goodbyes to his wife and daughter.  The others face each other, shake hands, and state it was an honor to serve with you.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Time and space bend and warp, sending my essence back to the exact moment that past-Kent was about to eat the burrito.  I’ve been stripped down to an ephemeral spirit, but if I focus my will….

HRRRGHHH

Yes!  I fill past-Kent’s laptop with clips from MyFriendsHotMom dot com, distracting him from the weapon of mass destruction he’s about to shove in his gob.

“Hot damn!” he exclaims.  “The burrito can wait!”

While he’s jerking it, I use my astral-kinesis to dissolve the burrito at a molecular level, rendering it into a puddle of goo.  WHEW!  Crisis averted! 

😀

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