“AAGGH!  PHBBBT!”  I bang my head against Taylor Swift’s desk as she blasts my eye with high-pressure squizz (squirt-jizz).  She doesn’t notice—she’s lost in ecstasy due to my Man Whore ministrations.

“Ow…”  I back out of the desk and rise to my feet, rubbing the goose-egg on my skull.  “You could’ve warned me.”

She flaps a hand in dismissal.  “I pay extra for injuries.  You don’t want a five grand bonus?”

“I mean…”  I respond with a shrug and a smile.  “You got me there.”

She straightens her skirt.  As she walks briskly past, she squeezes my ass, fingers all up in the crack and the hole.  It makes me jump and reflexively squeal. 

“That’s what I thought, you sexy fucking trollop.”  She throws me a smirk as she clops across the office.  “See my assistant—she’ll cut you a check.”

I rub the back of my neck, mulling whether or not I should voice my concern.  The money’s good, but I’ve been doing this for years, and I’d like some emotional connection every now and—

Travis Kelce barges in.  “WHAT THE FUCK?”  He levels a gigantic sausage finger right at my face.  “THIS GUY?  YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???”

Taylor, still in boss mode, states in a matter-of-fact tone: “His girth and upcurve place him head and shoulders above your unimaginative, cro-mag rut-fucking.  Additionally, he sucks in air to sensitize my skin, which translates to grade-A cunnilin—”  she clears her throat as the gravity of the situation catches up to her.  “Honey…” she cradles her eyes in her thumb and her forefinger.  “Can we talk about this later?  Don’t you have a chest to bump or a ball to throw?  Why don’t you go chant USA, USA with your oversized friends?”

“FUCK NO!” he roars.  His nostrils flare as he shoots me a death-stare.  “I’MMA SHOVE MY HAND UP YOUR ASS TO THE GODDAMN SHOULDER, THEN WORK YOUR MOUTH LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET!  RUAAAAHHH!!!”  Veins bulge from his neander-fuck forehead.

Mother.  Of.  GOD.  He’s gonna eat my skull like a red delicious apple!  No options left.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Jake, Tom, Harry, Joe, and the rest of Taylor’s exes jump out from portals, piling on Travis and pinning him to the floor.  In the blink of an eye, they beat his ass down with a shitstorm of punches and rib-splitting kicks. 

“Where you going?”  Gyllenhaal pisses in Travis’s face.  “You goin’ NOWHERE!  Kent’s the chosen one now—fuck outta here with your cornfed ass!”

“AAAGH!  PHHBBT!!!”  Travis squints and turns away, but to no avail.  Jake’s piss-stream is far too strong.

Taylor shooes me off.  “Go, you idiot!  I’ll call you later!”

“Right!”  I whip out my peen as I run for the door and—Olé!—smack Travis across the face with the ponderous glans. 

As I sprint through the hall, Tom Hiddleston crows with laughter.  “Mushroom stamp—nice!”

That’s what you get, Travis, for trynna interfere with my Man Whore bid’ness!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a gigantimous meathead interfered with your trolloping duties?  Never fear!  Buy my books, bathe him in pee, then mushroom-stamp him right in the motherfucking FACE! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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