I don’t mind being a black chess pawn.  Unlike humans, we don’t suffer from all the racial bullshit that pervades Earthling society.  My life is simple—move one square ahead, attack diagonally to the left or right, and hopefully make it to the end of board.

Unfortunately, all that’s about to change.

White King angrily storms up to my square, clutching White Queen by the hand and dragging her along.  “Kent!” he demands.  “What in the FUCK?!?”

“Huh?”  I throw him an irritable look and flap a dismissive hand.  “We’re not playing right now.  Go away.” 

“Was this you?  WAS IT???”  He yanks White Queen forward.  In her other arm, she’s cradling a gray baby chesspiece.

Sweat breaks out across my dome.  The answer is a resounding yes, but I can’t let him know—this fucker can kill me from all four of my right-angled flanks.  “Um…I…”  Gotta throw him off.  “Is this because I’m a black chesspiece?”

He recoils in shock.  “What?  NO!  I mean…some of my best friends are…”

“Keep digging.”  I fix him with a level stare.  “That grave can get a hell of a lot deeper.” 

White King sputters for a couple of seconds, then says, “That’s not what I—you’re missing the point!  I know every pawn, both black and white, down to the smallest ridge and scratch on their dome!  This kid is yours—admit it!  ADMIT IT!”

White Queen pipes up with, “Fine, it’s his!  I wouldn’t have run to his thick, upcurved wiener if you were packing any meat under your worthless-ass base!”

“I knew it!  I KNEW IT!”  He maneuvers to my front, ensuring that I can’t go forward and I’m vulnerable to attack.  “I am going to FUCK YOU UP!!!”

SHIT.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Gary Busey, aka PUMA (Possibly the Ugliest Man Alive) looms over our chessboard, dressed in nothing but a pair of yellow-stained whitey-tighteys.  “Well looky here!” he booms.  “This’ll be a perfect addition to my collection of butt-pickers!  The little cross on top will be great for breaking up my rock-hard dingleberries!”  His thumb and forefinger close around White King’s head. 

As the shadow of Gary’s fingers envelops the king, he looks around in abject horror.  “No!  NO!  Dear God in heaven, don’t let him take me!”  White King’s base leaves the board.  

“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE!  DAMN YOU TO—”

Shuh-LOOP!  Enjoy them dingleberries, you aggro motherfucker!

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Are you a fun-loving chess pawn who’s been accosted by an abusive king?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Gary Busey, and damn your enemy to a dingleberry-filled wasteland! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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