“Hey Kent, Earth got invited to the Galactic Federation,” Zorbot calls.  “You’ve been selected as our Gray ambassador.”

“Come on,” I grumble.  “I don’t wanna go back to Earth—I spent multiple incarnations there as a well-hung author.  Why can’t I just do cool Gray stuff, and have a cool Gray name like the rest of you guys?”

“And diminish the legacy of your award-winning Man Whoring?”  Zorbot extends a three-fingered fist.  “That would be a travesty.  ‘Semper he-slut.’ ”

“I guess…”  I reluctantly bump his knuckles with my own.  “Where am I headed?”

“Somewhere in the South.  Northern Florida, ass-end of Texas…it’s all the same.  Tomato, toh-mah-toe, amirite?”  Zorbot clunks down the lever on the slip-fold transporter.

“Wait!”  My eyes widen in panic.  “IT’S NOT ALL THE SAME, ZORBO—”

Too late.  I’m already gone.

Right in the middle of a motherfucking swamp.  Florida Man is probably right around the corner, planning to beat me to death with his coked-up dick.  As soon as I get back to the goddamn saucer, I’m gonna—

“HEY!  Stay right the fuck there!”

I swivel in place and glimpse a dozen Floridians.  They’re militia-style larpers:  overpriced knickknacks dripping off Gucci-ass plate carriers, chainsaw bayonets, over half a dozen scopes on each AR-style rifle, and a bunch of ridiculous patches with tough-guy sayings and unnecessary skulls (guarantee of a micro-penis if I ever saw one).

I raise my hands and chuckle nervously.  “Hey guys, I’m your local rep for non-human disclosure.  The Federation has cleared you for zero-point energy and slipfold tech.  Come on—don’t you want to end your transaction-born struggles and zip around in parallel dimensions?”

“Fuck are you talking about?” their leader sneers.  “You think you can trick us with your hippie-commie bullshit?  Now bend over and open yer mouth-slit—I’mma clap me some interstellar cheeks!”

SHIT.  These guys aren’t the nice hillbillies—they’re straight out of a Tarantino-inspired depiction of the mutant-filled backwoods.  No options left.  So I pull out my eReader and open it to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

“RUAAAHHH!!!”  Sasquatches jump out of interdimensional portals, all sporting two-feet-long, quill-covered boners.  They run frantically around, brandishing their oversized penises and scaring the ever-loving fuck out of the militarized larpers.  Pretty soon, it’s just me and the Squatches chilling in the swamp.

“Thanks.”  I rub the back of my neck.  “You guys saved my ass.  Literally.”

One of the Squatches puts his hands on his hips.  “No problem, Kent!  Hey, while you’re doing your whole non-human disclosure thing, put in a good word for us, huh?”

I nervously eye his spikey yogurt-slinger.  “You might wanna take it down a notch.  Those wieners could double as medieval weapons.”

“Oh no worries!”  He flexes and grunts, retracting the quills in the blink of an eye.  Shuh-DOOP.  “Let us know if they bother you again!  Happy to scramble some bipedal guts!”

“Uh…”  My brow wrinkles.  “Maybe just yell at them next time?  Whatever.”  I shake my head in resignation and defeat.  “Thanks for the save.  I’ll be in touch.”

Have micro-dicked larpers threatened your orifices?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a shitload of legendary beasts, and scare off your attackers with quill-covered womb-hammers!   

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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