I roll out of bed, brew up some coffee, and sit down at my computer.  What should I write about?  Mech-suits?  Elves?  Astral phenomena that defy our understanding of causality and ethics? 

I flip up the screen and click on my browser.  Myfriendshotmom dot com flashes open.

WElp…thought I was gonna write, but I guess it’s time to punish the ol’ wiener.  HEH heh heh!

DAYS LATER, AFTER NEAR-CONSTANT EJACS HAVE DRAINED THE MOISTURE FROM MY FLESH AND ORGANS…

Murrrghh…how’d they produce THAT much new content in that short a time?  Unless Ms. Fawx was filming 24/7…

The screen goes blank, then resolves into Satan’s goateed face.  “Hah!” he crows.  “Like taking candy from a baby!”  The camera activates, displaying a shot of my desiccated mug.  “You’ve got seconds to live, Kent—at this point, you might as well be a goddamn mummy!  And since you’ve failed in your appointed task, you’re slated to go demon-side, no ifs, ands or buts!”

“Wait, what?”  My rheumy eyes widen in panic.  “Hold on, just a—”

“I’ve spread the word—they’re gonna use your balls as a goddamn speedbag!”  Satan pushes a button on his infernal control-board, causing a hellish red portal to open beneath me.

“FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!”  As I’m sucked downward, I tighten my grip on my prothagonous wiener, fulfilling the prophesy that so many have uttered within a minute of meeting me:  that I would leave this earth with my dick in my hand.

IN THE FIRST CHAMBER OF INFERNAL FUCKERY:

I’m sitting at a table, napkin tucked into the neck of my shirt.  Fanciness abounds—there’s ornate candles, antique chairs, and an immaculately clean, high-thread table cloth.  Off to my right, a tuxedoed butler a-heh-hems into his fist. 

“What penis do you choose to eat?  Mammals only.”

Hmm…that’s it?  Eat a cock, AND I get to choose the species?  Hell, that’s a no-brainer.

“Hamster dick!” I reply.  “Make it a baby—I’ll swallow them jawns without even tasting em!”

“Don’t be so sure.”  He sets a massive platter down in front of me.  When he raises the lid, I’m greeted by the sight of countless hamster dicks, piled and fluffed into head-high mounds. 

I clutch the air and scream in anguish.  “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

ON TO THE SECOND CHAMBER:

“Eat her ass.”  A grader with a notebook nods at a shapely bottom.  Everything from the hips up is buried in the wall, which prevents me from seeing the face or torso.  Nevertheless, the visible portion seems attractive enough. 

“All right, whatever.”  I responds with a shrug—it’s 2023, gobbling a butthole is par for the course. 

As I spread the cheeks, hemmorhoids burst out and form into miniature Palpatines.  “Do it,” they hiss.  “Give in to your fate.”  They all start cackling with hideous glee.  “It is your DESTINY.”

My willingness gives way to slow-dawning horror.  “No…that’s not true…THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”

My grader grabs the back of my scalp.  “We’re’ on a schedule, Kent.  Smegma chugging, fun with speculums and your unsuspecting anus, throat-pies from Steven Seagal, Gary Busey, with an extra side of chest hair and neckbeard…the list goes on.  Now get in there and maow down those Emporhoids!”

Fuck.  THAT.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

A luminous hand reaches down from above, snatching my nape and pulling me up through the dimensions.  “I FUCKING TOLD YOU, WAYNE!” a celestial voice booms.  “FUCK WITH THE BULL, YOU GET THE MOTHERFUCKING HORNS!”  It plops me back in front of my computer.  ‘NOW STOP WATCHING MYFRIENDSHOTMOM DOT COM!”

“Yes sir!” I blurt.  “Right away sir!”

The finger wags in front of my face.  I cringe back like a frightened dog.  “MYFRIENDSHOTMOM DOT COM—NO.”

Then it disappears.

I click on the screen and open a word doc.  Gotta get busy writing my books—there’s no fucking way I’m gonna maow down an Emporhoid.  He said no to myfriendshotmom dot com, and I absolutely, unequivocally, intend to abide by that decree. 

My brow wrinkles in thought.  But what about…

MILFhunter dot com?

OH yeah—found me a loophole!  I rub my hands together and cackle with glee.  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

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