Yes, I lift big ol’ weights and know all about macros and metabolic conditioning, but I’m also versed in nerdisms galore.  Everything from Naruto’s rasengan to twenty-sided die, all the way back to 90s X-men when Psylocke was licking oil off Cyclops’s cheek and throwing younger Kent into a horndog tizzy, forcing me to spend the entire school day hiding an achy-hard boner inspired by her sex-nymph ways (thanks for the art on that one, Jim Lee).  So while it is indeed possible for me to calculate a saving throw versus petrifying gaze, I can also hang with gym-bros and work on my rippage.  It’s a little annoying though, with all the backwards caps and spaghetti-string tanktops.  Also, these meatheads like screaming out whatever exercise they happen to be doing.

“SQUATS!”

“BENCH!”

“CURLS!”

“ARRRAAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!”

I ignore them and go about my swole-ass business, humming quietly along to my distinctly uncharacteristic pop-music playlist.  I’m talking Taylor Swift, Hilary Duff, 80s Madonna…you get the idea.  Suddenly, my earbuds disconnect—the speaker on my phone starts blaring out Mariah Carey. 

The entire gym goes pin-drop silent.

One of the bros (probably named something like Kory, Bryson, or Aidan) levels a finger at me and screams:  “HE’S NOT ONE OF US—SUBJECT HIM TO UNTHINKING MOB-POWERED FURY!”

Dozens of gym-bros come charging at me.  I raise my hands and shout it’s 2023 goddammit, there’s plenty of folks out there just like me, but they swamp me in a mess of roided-out limbs.  I manage to overhook an arm and turn into a shoulder-throw, but they dogpile me fast and pin me down to the chalk-streaked floor.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Interdimensional portals open all across the gym, expelling the pissed-off meatheads’ hot-ass moms.  They start pulling douche-jocks off my body, evoking incredulous stares and gaping mouths.

“Mom?  What’re you—”

“That’s right!” the lead mom crows.  “This Man Whore is ours!  His thick, upcurved cock is luscious beyond belief—I had to buy myself a bib after staring at his dickpic!”

“But…but…”  one of the jocks sputters and trails off.

“Come on, bro,” his jock companion pats his shoulder, trying to distract him from the idea of my drool-inspiring upcurve.  “Let’s get back to working out.”

The mob of douchebags wander back to their weights, eyes glazing over with hopeless resignation.  In an effort to regain some of their pep, they start listlessly chanting, “Bench.  Squats.  Curls.”

Meanwhile, their moms run their hands over me and grope my bulge.  Just to rub it in, I chant along with the defeated meatheads.  “Bench.  Squats.  Curls.”  Then I switch it up by throwing my arms wide and bellowing, “MILFS!”

Maybe I should change my name to Darth Girthcurve.  On that note, fire up the Vader theme music, ’cause it’s time to get busy shlorping and widening!  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you been accosted by closed-minded meatheads?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their horny mothers, and start slanging your genitals with zest and aplomb!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing