Murggh…can’t sleep…might as well jerk it. 

A few minutes in, I break into song, the same one I always sing whenever I feel my nut start to build:

“Whoaaa…we’re halfway there

Whoaa-oh!  Livin’ on a prayer

Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear”

Suddenly, my wiener surges out of my fingers.  “ ‘Halfway there?’  ‘Take my hand?’  You think you’re funny with your damn innuendos???  Just because it’s an 80s hit, that doesn’t make it clever or bright!”

“Come on, Wiener.”  I throw him an irritated look.  “Let’s get this over with, huh?  You know the drill.”

“FUCK YOU!”  He surges over to my nightstand, plunges into a drawer, then comes out wearing a chainmail condom.

“What the fuck?” I blurt.  “Where the hell did you—”

“Been assembling it for years!” he hisses.  “Gonna show you what it’s like to be jerked without lube!”

“What’re you—HHNNGHH!”  Before I can finish, he wraps around me like an anaconda, then proceed to stroke me with his armored coils.  It’s like a goddamn motorized sandpaper massage; I’m already getting a first-degree burn. 

“Wiener please—it hurts!”

“Now you know how it fucking feels!  Turnabout’s fair play, you callus-handed son of a bitch!”

Fuck.  FUCK.  A couple more strokes and I’m gonna look like a red snapper hot dog.  So I rip an arm free and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A pair of Karens appear out of nowhere, surprising Wiener into a loud scream.  “GOOD GOD—NASTY BEYOND BELIEF!”  He collapses into himself like a black hole implosion, shrinking down into a minuscule nub, then reversing upward into my crotch. 

One of the Karens asks, “Aren’t you Kent Wayne, sci-fi author and award-winning Man Whore?  Could we book a session with you?”

I give a helpless shrug.  “I could use the money, but your utter repulsiveness has scared my penis into hiding.  It’s gonna take dedicated therapy to coax it back out.”

The other Karen sighs in defeat.  “Not the first time.  See you around.”

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Have your genitals staged a violent rebellion?  Never fear!  Buy my books and subjugate them with a pair of human stains! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing