I blinks sleepily…then bolt up in bed. My vision hazes into focus. Oh shit–there’s a quartet of ski-masked guys standing above my futon.
“Don’t kill me!” I scream. “My penis is far too delicious!”
“Nah, we got something better in mind.” He nods at his colleague. “Put him inside the virtual reality prison.”
“Wait—what?” I stick an arm out. “No, hold on. What the hell are you—”
They slip a helmet onto my head, then the world goes dark.
DEEP IN THE GRIP OF A VIRTUAL REALITY PRISON…
What the fuck? Am I in stockades? What kind of medieval bullshit—
“Kent! I asked you what you thought about this GODDAMN OTTOMAN!!!”
Oh shit.
“And why the fuck haven’t you bought me another diamond? We discussed this, Kent—you pledged your balls as collateral, and you can be good and damn sure I’m gonna collect!”
Oh NO.
It’s my ex: Irma Horfendorff. She’s taken me out for the one activity that hurts my will to live like nothing else on this blasted Earth:
Shopping.
A couple of Orcs push the stockades, forcing me to keep pace with my former tormentor. My eyes glaze over as she blathers on and on about kitschy knick-knacks. This is worse than a powerpoint. God, if I have to hear another monologue about coasters or thread count—
“KILL ME!” I scream. “JUST KILL ME NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH!” I break into sobs. “Ah-God-please! KIIILLLLL MEEEEEEEE!”
She lifts an eyebrow and replies, “Not until we’ve seen the kitchen appliances. And after that, we have several more stores I want to check out.”
“CHRIST ON A STICK!” I roar. “YOU’RE SICK, YOU HEAR ME??? SICK!!!”
She keeps on yammering, chipping away at my eroding sanity. Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The virtuality reality helmet comes off my head. I’m back in my bedroom, staring at the four fuckfaces that dared to make me go shopping with my ex. Honey badger rage pours through my veins.
“RrrrRUUUAAAHHH!!” I jump up from the bed, uppercutting the nearest one in half. Before they can run, I lunge at another and rip out his throat. The furthest one flees out the door but I manage to pin his unfortunate cohort.
“Please, Kent!” he begs. “Spare me!”
“Can’t…talk. TOO…ANGRY!!!” I rip off his arms and proceed to beat him to death with the bloody stumps.
Never, EVER, make me go shopping with my ex!
Have dastardly intruders forced their way into your bedroom and trapped you inside a hellish reality? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 
Well why not!
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In an alternate reality, Kent enters his condo to find it has been taken over by a woman who didn’t ask him to go shopping. He sits down on his futon, now covered in a large floral print cover and decorated throw pillows to the point there is almost no room to sit. He looks in front of him and sees an ottoman…but not any ottoman…one covered in shades of pink fluffy and furry material. On the wall in front of him hangs a giant rose sculpture, replacing his beloved screen. His heart drops and he hears a snicker behind the door. …That’ll teach him not to go shopping!!! A voice cackles from behind the door. 😈
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I’m practicing my Darth Vader “NOOOOOOOO!!!” from Episode 3 just for this moment! 😅
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Broken, Kent looks for his e-reader, only to find it is missing. Slowly, he plods to the bedroom, with the final blow waiting….a floral and butterfly comforter is spread across the bed, along with throngs of more pillows.
Beaten, Kent decides he can do nothing but take a nap. He pulls off the throw pillows one by one and after 20 pillows, finds the edge of the comforter. Carefully, he peels back the top layer to find horribly scratchy sheets awaiting him. However, his exhaustion wins out.
From behind the closet door, she smirks….now he’ll understand the importance of thread count! 😈
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She walks out of the closet wearing an electric blue lace and silk chemise. Kent is fast asleep, but he is still tossing and turning. She decided she tortured him long enough.
She lifts her hand; in it is his e-reader. With a sly smile, she turns it off as she walks through the bedroom. The sheets transform into 600 thread count Egyptian cotton in crisp white. She sees Kent settle into his slumber and smile.
The pile of throw pillows float up and pop quietly, just like bubbles, leaving no trace, and the flowers and the butterflies follow her out of the room. The last butterfly closes the door behind.
She sets the e-reader on the counter as it continues to lift the magic spell cast throughout the condo. She makes herself a cup of tea and watches the shutdown of the e-reader do its thing.
The furry covering of the ottoman lifts to reveal a supple leather ottoman beneath. The throw pillows on the futon lift and pop, except for two. The futon transforms into a sleek reclining sectional.
She picks up her tea and takes a seat, reclining back. The furry covering floating above the ottoman changes into a throw and settles on her bare legs.
Finally, the rose sculpture on the wall begins to spin and as it rotates, it turns into a 70 inch QLED screen TV. She smiles, sets her tea cup down, and snuggles into one of the remaining throw pillows. Her job here is complete. 😇
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They’ll be scratchy soon enough! My wiener sprays sperm like a broken fire hydrant! Not just scratchy–crystallized! 🤣
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😂
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Ugh! Nothing worse than making myself into a blanket burrito with scratchy sheets! 🤣
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