Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Ribeyes, ribeyes, grilling up some ribeyes…

NOM!

This is how a Man Whore’s supposed to LIVE!  Ribeyes and shrooms baby!  (Along with a copious amount of cash tips from horny Alpha Moms, HEH heh heh!)  Skidoo!

My timer beeps and I flip the steaks, watching the Maillard reaction go to work, browning the fat and turning it into a smoky, saltified crisp (whosoever doth cut the fat off a ribeye DOES NOT DESERVE A RIBEYE!).  After a quick poke to ensure they’re still on the way to medium-rare (medium is acceptable, but dangerously close to committing Sacrilege of Steak), I close the grill and eye the timer.  Another minute on each side and these beauties should be ready to slide down my gullet.

Suddenly, the skies darken.  Red lightning sears the horizon, followed by booming thunder that quakes my bones and rattles my guts.  What the hell is going o—

A horde of pasty, unwashed bodies flood across the grill-equipped pool deck.  Sun-tanners and pool-people run out the gate, fleeing the pool deck in a storm of screams and what the fucks.

“What do you want from me???”  I swivel from side to side, holding my tongs out like a vial of holy water.  “Leave me alone!”

Their leader walks forward and cocks his head.  “Why ribeye, Kent?  Why not a hunk of extra firm tofu?”

Oh shit—vegans!  MILITANT vegans!  Not the hot ones that run around LA with dogs in their purses; these are the extra sneer-y, extra condescending, extra smelly ones who refuse to take a shower!  I am FUCKED!

“No more steak, Kent.”  He smacks his untoned fist into his palm.  “We hate the massive amounts of testosterone it produces in your balls—you steal every hot mom for miles around.”

“Not my fault!” I protest.  “I can’t help it if hot moms like my giant, pendulous—”

They start chanting, “CHOP THEM OFF!  CHOP THEM OFF!”

“No—NO!” I squeal.  “NO CHOPPING!”

And then they charge.

I go an autopilot, smashing faces and sweeping legs.  I manage to throw or punch a dozen attackers before they pile on and pin me to the ground.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My sack flies from my heart-dotted board shorts, tautening to the size of a goddamn bosu ball.  Post-workout cheese flies out from in betwixt its scrotal wrinkles, blasting the vegans with a horrible helping of Eau de Kent.  They fall to the ground as the skin melts off their freakin’ skulls, screaming and wailing in unimaginable agony.

Turnabout’s fair play—I guess your horrible BO didn’t convey immunity from my unshowered nuts!  Ha HA!

Kent Wayne wins again!  😀

Are you trying to eat your ribeye in peace, but some finger-wagging filth-mongers is all up in your literal grill?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

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