It’s a weird fucking world. Fourteen billion years ago, some unknown force induced a massive expansion of highly condensed energy, allowing time and space to instantiate around clumps of matter. Said clumps iterated into planets, dinosaurs, and now us.
Crazy. Bats-in-the-belfry, shithouse crazy.
So the fact that I’m piloting a dimension-hopping multicraft shouldn’t strike you as the least bit strange.
“ROOF ROWF BARKPOCALYPSE!” Bitefighter, my 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire, 83rd level intellect, and best buddy screams.
“I know, I know!” I yell back. “I see them!” I reach down to a lever by the consciousness manifold and jack it forward, sending our sleek, oval-shaped Reality Skimmer into a wild tailspin. We whirl through a delirious tumble of ideas and concepts—our limited senses perceive them as wild streaks of color and vibrant, morphing haze—and level off onto a psychogenic highway (it looks kinda like the Rainbow Bridge into Asgard from the Thor movies). The bat-winged gargoyles we picked up on our brief detour through Gehenna stay hot on our tail.
“Orf Rowf Barko!” (Deploying neurolinguistic chaff!) Bitefigher presses a button on the dashboard with his black-clawed forepaw. A blast of imagination erupts from the side of our ship, lighting the interdimensional bleed with swirling streams of nameless hues.
The demons don’t fall for it; they fly around the chaff with eager, fanged grins. Fuckshit.
Suddenly, bone-quaking laughter shakes the bleed. “MWAHAHA! OHOHOHO!”
“Rowf roof-o Barkskies! (Jesus Christ—what the HELL was that?) Bitefighter looks wildly around, trying to glimpse the source of the noise. Whatever it is, it’s fucking titanic.
“THINK YOU COULD ESCAPE ME, KENT? YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING DOG?”
My eyes widen with dawning horror.
It’s Irma Horfendorff: my long-ago Ex, destroyer of souls and horrific food-moaner (admit it—an out-of-control food-moaner is fucking horrific). She assaults our ship with the most cloying, breathy, eye-rolling food-moans you could possibly imagine. The hull buckles inward from the sheer evil of her nasty food-moans, and Bitefighter lets out a yelp of panic.
“I know I know!” I blurt, eyes ticking frantically across my dashboard as I push buttons and flick triggers.
Holy shit. NOTHING’S WORKING.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Weaponized logic appears in my hand, taking form as a transparent shotgun made of various runes and hard-light symbols. I rack a round into the chamber—chk-CHANK—and throw Bitefighter a shit-eating smile.
“Buckle up and pop the hatch.”
BF grins back, straps in, and pulls a handle between his legs. The cockpit flies off and I fly out. Existence tumbles around me for a nauseating second, then—
—my copilot’s tether goes taut, suspending me behind the Skimmer as it rockets through the bleed.
Irma’s gaining slowly but steadily. The Skimmer’s Engine propels us forward at three times the speed of thought, but Irma’s infused with Crazy Ex-power.
“Suck on some logic!” I scream, leveling the barrel at her and pulling the trigger. A fantastic blaze of sentential calculus shoots from the muzzle, impacting against Irma’s thought-form. Her unearthly howl rocks the psychosphere.
I rack another round and shoot again. This time, a buckshot spread of theorems and predicates cuts into her, eliciting another unholy scream.
She peels away and vanishes into the aether. I reel myself in hand over hand on my copilot’s tether, finally buckling myself back into our craft. Bitefighter raises his little doggy paw, and I give him a Fuck Yeah High Five.
Logic. The bane of all Exes. 😀
Have you been ejected into the interdimensional bleed, and are now being pursued by your crazy-ass ex? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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