It has been a long, hard battle. Life has whittled me down to a withered shadow of my former self. A pitiful semblance of what I once was. The fates have conspired to reduce me to a neutered facsimile of Kent Wayne the Man Whore, but it ain’t gonna happen. A spark of defiance still burns hot within my beleaguered soul.
My family, my neighbors…everyone in my social circle thinks of me as Respectable Dad. How wrong they are.
Maybe I’m not ripped and all boner-ed up anymore, but Respectable Dad still has some fight left in him. Respectable Dad still eats magic mushrooms every now and then. Respectable Dad still watches Adventure Time. Respectable Dad still—
“KENT! DINNER TIME! AND REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT MY NEXT PIECE OF DIAMOND JEWELRY—IT BETTER BE WORTH SIX MONTHS OF YOUR GODDAMN SALARY, NONE OF THAT CHEAP-ASS THREE-MONTH STUFF!”
Respectable Dad wants to commit seppuku. With a dull kitchen knife.
I trudge over to the dining room table and plunk my ass down, mumbling under my breath with the maximum defiance my predicament will allow—razzumfrazzumI’llshowyoudiamonds—and dourly scan the evening Noms. Oh great—some yuppified veggie entree with those stupid sauce swirls on the edges of the plate.
“Enjoy, honey.” My tyrannical wife, Irma Horfendorff, leans down and pecks my cheek. “Remember,” she whispers. “Diamonds. Or I’ll neuter you with a hammer.”
With a conscious effort, I manage to restrain the single tear that wells up in my right eye and threatens to roll down my liver-spotted cheek.
Get through dinner. Finish the meal.
My teenage daughter—she’s a freshman in college—sits down at the table, expelling a giant sigh and performing the requisite eye-roll. My hand—now holding a fork so it can dig into the non-meat travesty lying on my plate—shakes and trembles. The tines of my fork rattle against my plate.
“UGH! Guys are SO disgusting!” she exclaims.
Irma takes a seat and spreads a napkin across her lap. “What’s going on, Grace? Are the boys at school giving you any—”
“I just got a piercing in my nose, right? But all the guys in my sociology class think it means I love anal. How stupid is that?”
Irma raises an eyebrow. “That’s…that’s very unfortunate. Why would they think that—”
“It’s not because I love anal—it’s because I want TWO COCKS AT ONCE!” Grace slams the table with both fists and looks at Irma and me with a pair of overly mascara’d, furious eyes. “DOUBLE PENETRATION! IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?”
Jesus Christ. I keep my eyes fixed on my food, eating forkful after forkful in utter silence.
“Kent?” Irma clears her throat. “Any advice for our darling daughter?”
Translation: say something smart. Defuse the situation or I’ll cut off your balls and mount them on a pike.
I wipe my mouth with a napkin. “Um…ah…”
Come on—you can do this. Respectable Dad. Respectable Dad.
“Do you, ah…”
They lean in like hungry predators. Holy shit—they’re fucking testing me.
“Do you, ah…ah…” My voice cracks.
Finally, I manage to get out, “Do you use protection?”
Both of them erupt into angry clamors—WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DAD—and: KENT YOU ARE SO FAR OUT OF LINE I AM GOING TO PEG YOU WITH THE EXTRA-LARGE STRAP-ON TONIGHT I HOPE YOU’VE BEEN DOING YOUR BUTTHOLE STRETCHES—
I try to protest. I raise my hands to try and articulate, but it’s no use. Irma’s gesturing with her knife, making cutting motions with it while simultaneously making clutching motions with her free hand. She’s finally going to do it—she’s going to castrate me. Grace is screeching like a stuck pig, coating my face in a rain of spittle.
Their words blend together into one long angry scream. My eyes tick back and forth, and beads of sweat roll down my quivering forehead. I’m about to lose my cock. I’m going to bleed out in my own dining room. I can’t believe that this is how it ends…
So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Musings, Volume 1, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“OHGEEZDON’TCUTME!” I bolt straight up in bed, gasping and panting.
Wait…what the fuck…I’m back in my San Francisco studio with my 10 lb. terrier Bitefighter. Haven’t been here in over twenty years…
And then it hits me: it was all a dream. It was all a dream.
Bitefighter cocks his little mustached face at me. “Roo?”
“It’s nothing, buddy.” I stroke his back and lay back down.
Whew! That was a close one! But it also serves as a valuable lesson: I am NOT cut out to be Respectable Dad! I’m Kent Wayne—sci fi author and perennial Man Whore, biznotches! Ha HA!
Has your once-bright soul been worn thin by Hallmark-borne materialism and trend-inspired rebelliousness? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜