Snergles, Mergles, Yergles…what’s the difference, what’s the difference…Hmmm….
I stare blankly at my thick, dusty tome, and blow out a resigned sigh. I’m a second-year student at Rasputin’s Academy for Budding Mages, and thus far, all of this stuff is absolute bullshit. I mean, why the fuck would anyone want to ride a magic broom? I tried it once and I couldn’t walk right for an entire month. How the hell do the others do it? Their balls must be the size of goddamn cherry pits. There’s no other explanation for—
Shit, it’s Irma Horfendorff—my super bitchy prof from Arcana 101! She’s always telling me to quit doodling cocks on the covers of my spell books, or stop sniffing potions up in the lab. The fuck does she expect? Why would I make some kind of eye of newt concoction when I could eat enough mushrooms to send me into hypersp—
“Kent Wayne, why have you drawn a naked woman sucking on a giant, veiny—” her face wrinkles in outright disgust. “MORGOTH’S BALLS—THAT IS ABHORRENT!”
I close my book and stare up at her, at a complete loss for words. “Um..ah…erm…”
“Report to the principal’s office! Right this second!”
“I SAID RIGHT THIS SECOND, MISTER WAYNE!”
Fuck it. I curl my fingers up to my chest, using physical symbology to loosen up the laws of cause and effect, and hiss a magic phrase through my teeth:
I go streaking past her in a flutter of robes. Jesus—flying is WAY harder than it looks on TV!
“KENT WAYNE! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!”
Oh SHIT! She’s on one of those motherfucking brooms! I scream and flail like Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja, when he’s gone full-on astral. Not sure if it’s helping or hurting, but so far, the ol’ battleaxe hasn’t—
She screams, “GOTCHA!” at the same time I scream, “FUCK ME IN THE GOAT-ASS!!!”
She’s just grabbed hold of my right ankle. I twist and writhe, but to no avail; she’d holding me tighter than a homophobe’s asshole after he’s just spotted a bin full of cucumbers. JEEzus she is strong!
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A thin line of my own smegma appears on my right index finger. WHOOF. I instinctively recoil, eyes watering, trying not to break into a violent coughing fit. Shit—that’s my own brand and it damn near killed me. Can’t imagine what it would do to…
What it would do to…
I reach down to Horfendorff, whose face turns from triumph to puzzlement as she sees my finger coming toward her.
“Wait—what are you doing? What is that? Kent, don’t do anyth—”
And then I smear it across her upper lip, like an unspeakably evil version of Vick’s vapor rub. Her eyes widen in sudden understanding.
“AH CHRIST—IT’S LIKE GAREY BUSEY’S UNWASHED TAINT!” She lets me go and flies into a chaotic tailspin, clutching her belly and vomiting wildly. I slingshot forward into the starry night, released from her evil-as-fuck, schoolmarm fingers. OH yeah! Kent Wayne’s smegma wins again! (Or is it a loss? When smegma comes into play, you can’t really label it a win because it’s so damn vile…)
Whatevs! I’m playing hooky today and that’s all that matters! Ha HA!
Has your boring-as-hell magic teacher tried to keep you from drawing penises and learning all the COOL spells? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜