Work the problem, work the problem.
During the last few years, that’s become my mantra. It’s a helluva lot more effective than “Don’t quit,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” or “things will be better the next time around.”
And that’s why I use it; it’s not about trying to live up to some tough-buy bullshit, or feeling imaginary relief or relying on faith; it’s about being effective. “Work the problem.” It works when you’re down, it works when you’re up…it just works.
So I work the problem. And the problem right now is magic mushrooms. Do I eat a regular dose (3.5 grams, or an “eighth”) or do I…
NOM GLOM MCGLOBBER SHLOPS! I down the whole bag, filling my tummy with approximately forty grams of hold-onto-yer-tits, it’s-time-to-fly-through-hyperspace-astride-a-robot-unicorn. Sker’DOO!
I lean back and pat my belly, mumbling, “Nommy mushies,” in a fun baby voice (come on—you know the baby voice is fun). It doesn’t take long for the trip to start.
And whoa, is it INTENSE—the world begins dissolving into Aztec patterns, and my sense of identity begins dropping away. There is no “you,” there is no “I,” there are only these ancient, haunting geometries made out of pure love and infused with a hint of melancholy, for the one thing omnipotent oneness lacks is another perspective with which to enjoy its unbound power. “You” and “I” were dreamt into existence—to become a twinkling reflection of Something Greater, a brief flash of rebounded perspective that burns and fades, so we could make room for…
“HEE hee hee! HA HA HA!” The laughter of Irma Hofendorff—my ex and nemesis—rings throughout the fractal-comprised aether.
“Kent Kent KENT…my dear little Kent. You puny little maggot.”
“The fuck?” Everything turns dark and red; the once-beautiful, lotus-like patterns transform into sickening, miasmic whorls. “No—NO!” I scream. “GET OUT OF MY MIND!!!”
“Never.” I can’t see her grin, but I can FEEL it; it’s a part of this world, slowly growing in size and influence. Soon, it will consume everything I am and everything I was.
Her chant starts slow and soft, but it soon begins to rise in volume and tempo: “Little DICK. Little DICK. Little DICK, Little DICK, LITTLE DICK, LITTLE DICK LITTLE DICKLITTLEDICKLITTLEDICK—”
“AHHHHH!!!” I squinch my eyes shut as her psychomagic inception corrupts my being and ACTUALLY begins to shrink my award-winning dick (Three-time Mr. Genitals, Northern Hemisphere. Placed once as Mr. Cockiverse, in case you were wondering). NO! My light and joy, my best friend and lifelong companion…sure, I didn’t do a damn thing to earn it, but I’m so fucking proud of it…this can’t be how it ends…I can’t live with a small dick…
So I reach deep into my psyche and tap the concept for a bomb-ass science fiction novel called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
And the love of my lives’ voice (of course there’s more than one—otherwise it would fucking suck for those who fucked up until the bitter, regretful end because of a series of compounding mistakes, and it wouldn’t be fair to those who were born fucked up. 😉 ) echoes throughout the aether; clear, strong, and fair:
“Giant COCK. Giant COCK. Giant COCK. GIANT COCK GIANT COCK GIGANTO ENORMO GIGANTO ENORMO COCK COCK COCK—”
It’s Soccer Mom Prime! What is UP, Beautiful! 😀
Her relentless counter-spell nullifies Irma’s; my penis grows thick and girthy, complete with the magnificent upcurve that ladies love (and saves me a shit-ton of foreplay. HEH heh heh!)
And then the world resolves. I’m back in my San Francisco studio, staring at my computer, open to a blank word document. That’s a clue if I ever saw one—time to get back to writing.
But first—gotta jerk off to Soccer Mom Prime. Gotta seal her in my mental jerk-bank! Hee hee HEE!
Has your date with your Eternity been rudely interrupted by your nasty-ass ex? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜