“He’s gone too far this time,” Cole Johnson sobbed. A long string of snot dangled from his left nostril. “I found him and my mom on top of the couch, going at it like a couple of hyenas. Once they were done, the cushions weighed fifty pounds each. THAT’S how much they nutted—It’s fucking obscene!”
“He keeps insulting our NAMES!” Blake Tanner leaned forward in his chair, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. “And then our DICKS! What the fuck is wrong with him? He could’ve been one of us! He lifts weights, watches porn, likes guns…”
“Yeah, but he’s creative.” Chad Renfro looked from douche-bro to douche-bro, canvassing the support group with wide, frightened eyes. “He’s not into shallow trends like we are. Guys—he’s way different. He’s spoken at length about avoiding the trap of middle-class suburbia.”
“NO one avoids that!” Blake spat. “Not unless you’re a fucking nerd, and we make good and damn sure they pay their dues in wedgies and swirlies!”
“They call him the Daywalker,” Chad whispered, his pupils glimmering with reflected light. “All of our strengths, none of our weaknesses.”
“Impossible,” Cole managed around a hitchy snuffle. “That’s not fair, that’s not—”
“Oh but it is.” I smile down at them.
They all look up. Until this moment, I’d been hidden from view.
Because I’d spread-eagled my body on the motherfucking ceiling.
“GET HIM!” At the same time they bolt up from their seats, I drop onto the floor, touching down in a single-kneed crouch. I hiss “Lights,” into my tactical headset, and the micro-explosives I’ve rigged to their electrical system detonate sequentially—POOM POOM POOM. The entire house goes completely dark.
“WHERE IS HE?”
“HE’S JUST ONE MAN!!! HE CAN’T BE THAT HARD TO—”
“DON’T PANIC, GUYS! KEEP CALM OR HE’LL—”
Then I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The lights come back on. I’m now surrounded by the douche-bros’ moms, all clad in fuck-me lingerie. They start making out with me like, well…like wild hyenas, HEH heh heh! One of them shoves a finger up my poop-chute and I twerk wildly on it, smiling unrepentantly at the assembled frat-spawn.
“YOU CAN’T UNSEE THIS, BRO!” I scream, lifting a mom’s vajeen onto my face while another one unzips the front of my Costco stretchy jeans (they’re the best! Whazzzuuuuup!!!) “YOU CAN’T UNSEE THIS!”
All around me, douche-bros begin crying tears of blood, wailing and shrieking like tortured infants. One of them grabs a cake knife and commits seppuku on the spot, vomiting forcefully as the blade enters his belly.
Kent Wayne—scourge of douche-bros and consummate Man Whore—strikes again! Ha HA!
Are you planning to execute a Batman-style mind-scarring against a pack of primitive chest-thumpers? I’ve got just the thing! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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