“Steel your hearts, warriors.” Our Viking raid leader, Cnut Svarlbard, stares grimly at us from beneath the shadow of his iron helmet. He clutches his battle-axe with both hands, his gnarled knuckles pulsing and shifting as he rhythmically squeezes the leather-wrapped haft.
“STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!” Our corded arms move in perfect tandem, flipping the oars forward, then pulling them back; forward, then back. Salty sea-spray blasts our faces, reddening our cheeks and drenching our beards.
Yes—YES! This is what we were made for! I can’t wait to shove my spear up some unsuspecting heathen’s backsi—
But then my mouth betrays me. It begins to belt out a truly heinous, dissonant Hel-screech, one that could only be tolerated by the foulest of demons:
“In an mmmbop they’re gone
In an mmmbop they’re not there
In an mmmbop they’re gone
In an mmmbop they’re not there…”
“WHAT THE FUCK???” Cnut screams. He vomits onto the deck of our longship, and the rest of the crew follows suit, barfing and shitting all over the vessel. In a matter of seconds, the air is filled with the rancid stench of bile and shit. I try to stop singing, but my mouth won’t obey.
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US???” Bjarke, my closest childhood friend, demands of me as blood leaks from the corners of his eyes. “WHY, ODIN DAMN YOU???”
I finally regain control of my mouth and my voice. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I stammer, holding both hands out in front of me. “I didn’t mean to—”
Cnut spits out a glob of something bloody and dark. “Kent’s a liability,” he gasps. “Can’t risk his presence.” He points a quivering finger straight at my face-hole. “KILL HIM!!!!”
The rest of the crew staggers up, clutching their weapons. I plead and beg—“Hold on guys, just HOLD ON A SECOND!”—but they’re not having it. The ship rocks ponderously, as they edge toward me, pure murder shining from their gazes.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my satchel and unfurl a scroll—it has an otherworldly story called “Echo” writ upon its surface—activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
An interdimensional portal blazes into existence a few feet to my left, hovering above the surface of the water. Within its color-soaked ripples, a beautiful soccer mom beckons dreamily.
“Join me, Kent—not only will I refrain from casting judgment on your shitty taste in music, but we’ll smash our nether-parts together with the jackrabbit ardor of idiot teenagers.”
Hot DIGGITY! I dive into the portal, barely evading a clutching pair of hands. As the world hazes out of focus, Cnut screams in rage and frustration:
“Damn you, Wayne! DAAAAAMMMMNNNN YOOOOUUuuuuuuu…”
Ha HA! That Viking stuff is for the birds! Kent Wayne escapes again!
Have you accidentally pissed off your super hardcore, drink-blood-from-a-skull, marauder companions? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜