Ha HA! Time to fire up dat coffee and get to writing my next book!
I beatbox happily as I make my way over to the Keurig, fill my mug with a fresh cup of adulting juice, and plunk down into my office chair.
Wait a sec…my laptop…screen’s not starting…
I tap the keys and swipe my mouse back and forth. Goddamn Macs…everyone’s been switching to PCs, why didn’t I just take the hint and—
And then it flashes with an all-caps message:
THIS IS GRAMMAR NAZI PRIME. I HAVE YOU BY THE BALLS.
“The fuck are you talking about?” I ask irritably. “You don’t have SH—”
The message is replaced with: LAST NIGHT, YOU LEFT YOUR WEBCAM ON. YOUR ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD IS 1234 HOW INCREDIBLY PREDICTABLE, YOU UNWASHED SIMPLETON.
Wait—WHAT? Sweat springs out across my face. Just what the hell did this douche-master record me doing???
The screen begins flashing with condensed video clips of me from the last few hours: eating paste, wiping boogers on the bottom of my chair, sticking my finger in [CENSORED] and licking chocolate off my [CENSORED] while dripping [CENSORED] all over my [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED].
“You MONSTER!” I grip the monitor with trembling hands, tears leaking down both my cheeks. “Stop it—STOP IT, GODDAMN YOU!”
No response. The video keeps playing, and holy balls is it DISGUSTING. Vomit lurches up from my gut and dribbles past my lips. I have some degree of immunity ’cause I’m looking at myself, but who KNOWS what this’ll do to other people?
Can’t risk it. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The picture switches over to Grammar Nazi Prime. He’s sitting in his lair, surrounded by old, leather-bound tomes. I feel the rush of the Force pour through my being. I raise curled fingers up to my eyes, and simultaneously throw him a mile-wide grin.
“Wait, what’re you—” His left hand drops to his trousers. His right hand picks a ruler up off his desk.
As he realizes what’s happening, his eyes widen in utter terror.
“No, Kent—NO! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!”
My smile grows wider. “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns.” I grip the air a little tighter, channeling more Force-energy into his body. He starts hyperventilating as he lowers the ruler down to his vestigial clit-tickler. He tries to turn away, but I make him look.
“No!” he blubbers. “PLEASE!”
But I don’t listen to his pathetic protests—he’s crossed the damn line. His eyes erupt with red, scarlet veins as his gaze locks onto his singularly unimpressive ween (it doesn’t even clear the first tick-mark on the ruler) and his head begins vibrating in an ultra-fast quiver. A rising scream bleeds from his lips, then a second later—
—his head explodes in a shower of gore, dotting the camera with little pieces of brain and bone. His headless corpse slumps back into his seat, then slides to the right, causing the chair to slowly rotate upon its column.
That’s what you get, Grammar Nazi Prime! Trynna blackmail Kent Wayne, sci fi author and consummate Man Whore? Get the fuck outta here with that weak-sauce bullshit! (The WEAKEST of sauces!) Ha HA!
Has some dickhead Grammar Nazi hacked into your computer and gained access to a giant collection of questionable video clips? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜