I hit the START button on my trusty coffee robot (Lova ya Keurig—y’all are a bunch a’ geniuses) and wait for the brew to fill my mug. Sit down in front of my computer with a fresh cup of joe, and open up Word.
Hmm…I crack my knuckles, wondering how I should go about knocking out my daily word count. Can’t think of anything specific, so I put fingers to keyboard and type whatever comes to mind. A few minutes later, I stop to see what’s emerged from the ol’ Kent Wayne brain.
Wait a sec…hold on..what the FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!? This isn’t writing, I realize with butt-puckering horror.
This is EMO POETRY.
I bang away at my MacBook Pro, willing myself to write about robots, umbra-tipped energy blasts, He-Man style transformations…it’s no use—line after line of literary poop flows through my fingers and onto the screen. I can feel it in my nuts; it won’t be long before I replace my entire wardrobe with the shittiest offerings from Hot Topic and forget how to smile. FUCK!
I race into my bathroom, trying not to hyperventilate. The problem’s in my brain, which happens to be run by a hamster on a wheel. If something’s wrong with True Hamster then I am well and truly fucked…
I peer into the mirror, stretching my right eye open with both index fingers. In the depths of my pupil, I spot a grinning, mascara-clad face. Emo Poet. It all makes sense.
“What have you done with True Hamster?” I hiss. “GIVE ME BACK MY MIND, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”
Nasal laughter rings through my brain. “It was easy to hack your cerebrum, Kent. I simply had to plant a neuromemetic pathway into the latest clip from FiftyPlusMilfs. Child’s play, my dear Man Whore.” He laughs again, but louder this time.
“Yeah?” I rasp. “We’ll see about that, smeg-snorter.”
And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My guts rumble with a warning lurch. At the same time, my gorge rises and my butt trembles. I hop in the shower, because this is gonna be nothing short of apocalyptic. A second later, giant streams of liquid shit comes rocketing out my dirt star, while a torrent of vomit comes shooting out my mouth. I turn the shower up to full blast, letting the water run over my sobbing face, gazing up at the heavens and clutching the air like Andy Dufresne after he’s tunneled his way out of the hell-on-earth known as Shawshank. Tiny, outraged screams fills the air as the essence of Emo Poet (he’s comprised of feces and barf; no surprise there) swirls down the drain, washed away in the cleansing downpour.
…Is he gone? Am i free? Dear Lord, please let it—
Squeak-squeak. Squeaka-squeaka-squeak. The noise is slow at first, but picks up steam as time passes. True Hamster is running on his wheel once again, restoring my brain to its normal levels of (in?)sanity.
Ha HA! No one hijacks my mind with Emo Bullshit—NO ONE! Kent Wayne wins again!
Have vampire-jerking cockbags infiltrated your psyche and messed with your creativity-generating hamster-on-a-wheel? Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜