Mmm…MMM…Oh GOD…this window tastes SO GOOD…

I press my face against the glass, my eyes drooping shut as I flatten my tongue against the solvent-coated surface and give it a slow, passionate lick, like Will Ferrell getting balls deep into a mind-blowing makeout sesh.

“Mrrr…ROOHHGOD SO TASTY!”

“Kent Wayne—what are you DOING?!?” Herman Snerdbert (my boss) yells.

I freeze in place, my hands splayed against the window, my eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.

“A-hem!  A-heh-heh-HEM!”  I back away from the window and adjust my tie, cricking my neck in a quick, sideways dip, as if to say “I saw something weird and I just wanted to see what it was…nothing to see here move it along please don’t ask me questions LEEME ALONE!”

“It was nothing,” I reiterate, staring fixedly at my computer.  I open my email and start scanning through reams of bullshit about RSVPs for the latest office potluck, or who needs what TPS report.

“Kent.”  Snerdbert sighs and crosses his arms.  “I’ve been observing you for awhile now…you exhibit a wide range of strange and disturbing mental deficiencies.  There’s no excuse for licking the window.  Not here—not while you’re working.”

I swivel in my chair and look him in the eye.  “Hold on now—”

He cuts me off with a raised finger.  “Nope—that was your last chance.  You need to fall in line, Kent.  You need to be like the rest of us.”  He reaches in his jacket and pulls out a pair of scissors.  At the same time, my coworkers slink up beside him, favoring me with a bunch of evil grins.

Buttfuckles.

“So,” Herman continues, smiling along with his cohorts.  “We’re gonna take a few inches off your ankle-length piece.  Maybe cut off one of your nuts…yeah, I think we should…you always look like you’re smuggling a pair of elephantiasis-stricken bowling balls—distracts the ladies from doing their jobs.  Now unzip your fly and put your meat on the desk.”

“No,” I mumur, backing away in my roller-wheeled office chair.  “No—stay back!  STAY BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

But they don’t listen—they keep walking forward.  Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I pound my chest as giant cables of coarse-haired muscle ripple and bulge beneath my flesh, morphing me into my primitive ancestor, all yoked and thick-jawed and with an even bigger dick than the tonsil-crushing meat-zooka I’m packing as Kent Wayne the Man Whore.

Call me Kunt Wog, motherfuckers.

“RUAAAHHH!!!”  I throw a wild backhand, smacking away Mark Johnston, Blake Turner, and Sally Hornsby with a single, Bane-strong swing.  The rest fall onto their butts or turn and flee, screaming at the top of their lungs to run for your fucking life—Kunt Wog is on the loose AND HE’S FUCKING PISSED AND HIS DICK IS OUT HOLY SHIT RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Fuck these weenies—I ain’t got time to beat up eunuchs!  Kunt Wog needs to eat some pizza!  Kunt Wog needs to service some soccer moms!

I break through the fiftieth-story window with a tucked shoulder and plummet down the side of the high-rise, slowing my descent by digging my massive, gnarled fingers into the weathered face of the concrete wall.

Kent Wayne (or should I say Kunt Wog) escapes again!  Ook ook AWK!  All hail the big-dicked monkey-king!  😀

 

Are you a nervous little office drone who needs to unleash your inner ape-man?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜