College Accounting doesn’t stop with the final exam. I know—surprising, right? I thought I could knock out homework, do the problems, pass the tests, and be ushered into an unobtrusive desk job. But much to my dismay, I’ve realized there’s a good reason behind the accountant stereotype. Receding hairlines, coke-bottle-thick glasses, gerbil-nose genitals…they’re no accident.
My accounting professor flicks the needle with the tip of his finger, chuckling softly to himself.
“The fuck is this?” I rasp.
I’m blindfolded and tied to a chair, but these people are amateurs. The blindfold is thin; if I concentrate, I can still perceive what’s happening around me. Not only that—it also makes me look like a bad motherfucker.
(Fucking LOVE ninja-Daredevil. HEH heh heh!)
“I’ve filled this syringe with my unimaginably weak sperm,” my professor throws me a smirk. “They’ll infect you with my office-borne weakness; the transformation will destroy all semblance of muscle tone, and render your testicles into vestigial shadows of their former selves.” He chuckles. “THIS is what it means to be an accountant, Kent. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of passive-aggressiveness and quiet, desperate happy hours.”
My turn to chuckle. “You’re fucking with the wrong guy. I’m so much more than a brilliant mind and a pretty dick. There’s one thing you haven’t factored in. Actually, since I’m a big fan of existential irony, I should say ‘accounted for.’ ”
Derisive laughter. “And what would that be, Kent?”
I rip an arm free, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
At the same instant I leap backwards and smash my chair to bits against the concrete floor, my blanket-like scrotum flies out from my pants—fwip-fwip-FWIP—like a freshly deployed parachute. Before my professor can orient himself, I pull my coarse-haired ballbag over his face and cinch it tight.
“Each of my lovemaking sessions,” I hiss, “requires four hours of testicular grooming, in order to make the wrinkles silky smooth and clear them of smegma. Unfortunately for you, I wasn’t planning on a romp between the sheets. Hope you ordered extra cheese, bitch.”
He expires with a choking sputter, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of pity. In terms of sucking a giant box of unwashed assholes, death by scrotum is probably right up there with immolation.
But them’s the brakes when you try and turn Kent Wayne into a beta-male number cruncher. Ha HA! 😀
Is an embittered agent of societal repression trying their damndest to steal your mojo? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜