THROUGH A COMBINATION OF CYBERNETICS, HER IMMORTALITY ELIXIR, AND INSIDER-TRADING SHENANIGANS, MARTHA STEWARD HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF THE EARTH, AND IS NOW SET TO MARRY THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL…
They’ve woken me from cryosleep and chambered me in a quantum space-fold rifle. I don’t know exactly when they’ll use me, I just know that it’ll be in the middle of the wedding between Martha and Satan. They need me to occupy her hunter-killer bridesmaids—Martha’s uber-hot, soccer-mommish Food Network costars.
“One set.” I hear the rebel assault leader whisper into his inter-squad radio. I can feel him tense as he listens for the corresponding replies: “Two set. Three set.” All teams are set.
“Fire. Fire. Fire, ” he whispers.
He pulls the trigger and I go screaming out from the muzzle. When I make contact with the floor, I expand into my normal human form, completely devoid of any clothing. I catch a quick glimpse of Martha in her wedding dress, Satan’s surprised expression, and the front row of pews.
Padma, Rachael, and Giada are instantly affected by my physical presence; they envelop me in flicking tongues and gasp-y moans.
“WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY WEDDING WITH THIS LUSCIOUS, WELL-ENDOWED MAN-WHORE?” Martha roars, her eyes glowing red.
Satan extends a protective arm in front of her. “ GET BEHIND ME, LOVE. I’LL TAKE CARE OF THESE DO-GOODERS WITH A QUICK—”
She backhands him across the face. He slams against the wall and crumples to the ground, knocked cold.
“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WEARS THE PANTS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?” she thunders. “NO MATTER—I’LL MAKE EAT MY UNSHAVEN ASSHOLE FOR TWELVE HOURS STRAIGHT. BUT FIRST…”
She throws her arms back as teams of rebels come streaming in, rifles shouldered. Well-aimed shots crack off her Infernal Field, filling the air with whining ricochets.
“COME AT ME, MEAT BAGS!” Miasmic black tendrils explode from her eyes, wrapping the assaulters in unrelenting strings of hard-light force. Her grin widens as she flexes her will and cracks their spines. Tears roll down my cheeks as the dying screams of my fellow assaulters ring through the church. My orders were to lie still and act as Man Whore bait for Martha’s bridesmaids, but…
I can’t let this happen. So I reach in my asshole, produce an eReader (always keep a backup in there) and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Chuck Norris crashes into the church astride a robotic velociraptor—its hide is painted with stars-n-stripes, apple pies, and M-16s. The dino, just like him, is sporting a giant beard.
He pulls back on the raptor’s reins with clenched teeth, firing at Martha with a pair of cowboy-style Colt .45 peacemakers. “FILL YOUR HAND, YOU FOOD NETWORK BITCH!”
As the rounds spark off her Infernal Field, her shoulders shake with a single chuckle. “Finally,” she growls. “A worthy opponent. RUAAAAAHHH!!! She charges at Chuck, chopping the air with straightened hands like the T-1000.
Chuck squeezes his robo-raptor’s flanks with his denim-clad thighs, urging it forward. “HYAH! HYAAAH!”
I stick to my duty, letting Sandra Lee grab hold of my wiener and guide it into her vajeen. As she does so I continue watching Chuck and Martha. Without intending to, I bite my lip. I can’t help it—the fate of the free world lies in the balance. I just have to keep these bridesmaids distracted.
Goddamn—the things I have to do in service of humanity.
Are you a weapon made for sex that needs to enact a last minute save in order to prevent an unstoppable demigod from marrying the Lord of All Evil? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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