“DEMONS GET OUT!”
(In case you’re wondering, that’s what I chant while I squeeze out a #2. I approach dooking with the same attitude I apply to all mundane activities—with an extra helping of Out Loud Weirdo)
My eyes roll back and my right leg straightens, shaking with the unabashed pleasure demonstrated by a friendly dog when their butt’s getting scratched in the exact right spot.
After I use half a roll of Charmin Ultra Thick to clean myself up (that’s what I get for eating spicy sausages) I pull my pants up and cinch my belt. Ahhhh….not only did I just lose twenty pounds and drop five belt sizes, I’ve also activated my natural home defense system; no intruder is ballsy enough to brave my stinky-ass apartment after I’ve unleashed Ragnarok from my stretched-out gaper.
I flush the toilet and click off the light, ready to get back to writing. Not sure if that’s the same thing as giving birth, but goddamn, it’s gotta be a close secon—
“HEH heh heh!”
What. The fuck. Was that.
I turn slowly around. When my brain processes what I’m seeing, I take an involuntary step back. Rising from my toilet is a craggy poo-demon. Aside from its rough, crumbly exterior, it looks exactly like me.
“What…what…” I try to finish the sentence, but my mouth stops working.
“I’m you, Kent.” It grins malevolently. “Your cheat day spawn.”
I take another step back, hands reaching behind me, trying to find something to brace against.
“What do you want?” I manage.
“Up until now, I’ve spent my entire life gestating inside you. I figure you can spend the rest of yours dying inside me. Turnabout’s fair play, wouldn’t you say?”
For a hanging moment, my mind struggles with the implication. Then it hits me.
“No!” My eyes widen.
“C’mere and gimme a kiss!” It steps out of the toilet and spreads its arms.
I turn around and emit a high-pitched scream—EEEEEEEEE!—and scrabble into my living room. I lose my footing, fall onto my belly, and slap blindly at the floor, searching for a weapon. When I feel my eReader brush against my hand I open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My giant, fantasy-creature wiener erupts from my undies, roaring with pure, unadulterated fury.
Wiener flexes once, twice, then unleashes a powerful torrent of sparkle-lined light from its mandala-lined tip. The radiant barrage strikes my poop-double square in the chest, causing him to stumble back and scream. Through my slitted eyes, I see armored unicorns and robot-suited angels charging out from my glans and across the iridescent stream, spearing my poop-double with celestial weaponry. Their voices rise in triumphant unison.
“FOR THE MAN WHORE!” they cry.
Yes ladies, that’s what happens when I’m brought to climax. Not only can I save the world from fetid stink-demons, I can eject a battalion of empyrean beast-warriors from my engorged dick-tip. BOOYAH! 😀
Have you accidentally given birth to a monstrous poop-double, and now require a force from on high to come to your rescue? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜