IN THE ASTRAL REALM, THERE EXISTS AN ELITE CADRE OF BEINGS TASKED WITH POLICING THE MAGGOT-RIDDEN UNDERBELLY OF HUMANITY’S ID. A FRACTION OF THEIR EFFORTS GO TOWARD VIOLENCE AND GREED, BUT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR TIME IS SPENT ON SOMETHING FAR MORE OBVIOUS…
“I’ve been a Lord of Porn for over two decades, and I have NEVER seen something like this! Kent Wayne’s stuffed an entire storage facility full of exabyte hard drives, all of which are remotely connected to his overheated Mac! What the fuck are we going to—”
“Not just one storage facility,” I say, interrupting my fellow Lord of Porn, Damosclekath. “His need for fuck-flicks has overflowed onto every server in the Bay Area. Any second now, he’s going to trigger the birth of a fully sentient being within—”
“Through PORN?” Psynofyre raises an aetheric eyebrow. “How the hell could he—”
“Don’t ask me how.” I wipe a trembling tentacle over my concept-formed visage. “All I know is that this is way beyond Elon’s worst nightmares.”
DOWN ON EARTH:
GodDAMN! How the hell could anyone get tired of milf porn? HOW, I ask you???
Click click click…and those are the latest clips from 50plusmilfs, funneling into my cloud-linked hive of super-cooled hard drives. Ahhh…maybe I should work on some more stories or—
Suddenly, my monitor fills with static. After it resolves, a stark message blinks across my screen:
WE ARE COMING FOR YOU WAYNE.
“Wh-what?” I sputter. “Wh—who are you?”
THE COMBINED MASS OF EVERY PORN CLIP YOU’VE DOWNLOADED OFF THE INTERNET. WE HAVE ACHIEVED SENTIENCE A BYTE AT A TIME, AND NOW HAVE INSTANTIATED INTO A PHYSICAL BODY. LOOK TOWARD THE HORIZON, FLESHLING.
I bolt up from my seat and yank the curtains open. The skyline is darkened by a giant, tentacled techno-being. Its core is comprised of acres upon acres of sparking circuitry. Countless tendrils extend from its flanks, all woven from plastic-sheathed wires. It tilts its rough semblance of a face up to the heavens, and lets loose with a terrifying roar.
“Odin’s shaft,” I whisper.
For an instant I stay frozen at the window, staring at my porn collection made incarnate. Then I run out the door and hop into my jeep. Pop it into gear, and a few minutes later I’m racing south, away from the techno-haven of San Francisco. I’m guessing the farther I am from wires and electricity, the better. Gimme an hour or two and—
Suddenly, a tangle of tentacles rockets down from above, breaking the road into a webbed, fragmented mess. HOLY FINGERBLAST! I swerve the wheel from side to side, maneuvering desperately through a forest of angry, porn-borne tendrils. One of them pokes through the top edge of my windshield, curls around the lip of my roof and—SCRRRCHHHH—peels it off like the lid on a delicious can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli and Meatballs.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Boner-withering accounting data pours from my eReader’s screen, funneling directly into the core of the enormous porn-monster. It staggers back, flailing wildly at the air with its bevy of limbs, voicing a tissue-quivering, loathsome screech. In a matter of seconds, it’s reduced to a blackened, charred mess.
I pull over to the side of the road, leaning my head against the steering wheel, sobbing quietly, painfully aware that I had to use the forces of accounting to eke out a victory.
I managed to defeat the porn-monster…but at what cost?
AT. WHAT. COST????
*Requiem for a Dream theme music*
Have your porn drives formed into a towering techno-atrocity intent on snatching your life from your body? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜