“Femur with some meat on it, coming your way!”
“Thanks UgLug.” I snatch the bone out of the air and rip into a big ol’ chunk of quadriceps with my front two fangs. “Being a bridge troll’s the best, huh?” My prothagonous jaw flexes rhythmically as I survey my under-realm (the section under the bridge that we trolls like to inhabit) and chew a mouthful of human.
“Fo sho fo sho, Gronknok.” UgLug lets out a belch and pats his bulbous green belly with a set of yellow-nailed claws. “What do you think we’ll eat next? Some wizards? A bladesinger?”
I pick my fangs with the end of a tibia. “Dunno…been hankering for some fighter/mage/thief, myself.”
“That’ll work. I’ve always wanted to try a—wait! Here comes a new one!”
We hear the sound of boots against the planking above our heads.
I break right, UgLug breaks left, a quick muscle-up and—alleyOOP!—we both somersault onto the middle of the bridge.
“Bridge trolls!” the traveler gasps.
UgLug crosses his arms and glances over at me. “This one’s pretty meaty. He’ll make good eatin’. Wanna do the honors?”
I point my crusty, scabrous forefinger at him. “What’s your name, traveler?”
“Kent Wayne.” He tries to keep his voice from shaking, but only partially succeeds.
“Answer me these questions thr—”
He turns tail and sprints in the opposite direction.
“WE GOT A RUNNER!” UgLug screams.
Both of us start galloping after Kent, voicing our best soul-rending wails. The puny human is fit, but no match for our enchanted musculature. We catch up with him in a matter of seconds, but just as we’re about to each grab a leg and bisect him at the anus…
He reaches into his satchel and opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kent Wayne’s head hinges open. Its aperture ejects a miniature hover-pod—glass bubble, an array of glimmering controls, back-mounted thrusters—that houses the most fearsome being in all of existence:
TH pushes forward on his control levers and accelerates toward us. The bottom gun on his pod zeroes in on UgLug, shooting a salvo of dried, spiny dragon-dicks right into my buddy’s eyes. UgLug drops to his knees, lets out a pained screech, and dies on the spot.
I turn around and run, gibbering in fear. “By the dark lord Icthalion please spare my FUCKING LIFE—”
But my prayers are in vain. I glance over my shoulder and catch a glimpse of True Hamster, laughing like the mad little bastard he is, deploying a toxic lich scrotum towards my face. It flies open in a violent FOOMP.
Sweet Beelzebub why I couldn’t I have died in a more dignified—
Have you been accosted by a pair of asshole bridge trolls? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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