“What’s up Rhesus Monkey Kent?” Blorlog, the Rhesus Monkey Chieftain, spreads his arms wide.
“Oh shit, motha ducka!” I run up to Blorlog and we exchange the Secret Rhesus Handshake. “The fuck is going on, you Haplorhinic Primate, you?” Once we’re done with the Secret Rhesus Handshake, we bump butts, chests, and hug each others’ furry little torsos.
“Not much.” Blorlog runs a hand across his skull and gives me a bashful grin. “Been practicing some group tactics in case we run into a chimp.”
My amiable cheer drops away. It’s replaced by worry and concern. “Dude, you KNOW those fucks are as bad as the Humes! Hanuman above us, their DNA is 96% the same! You can’t just—”
“Ah, come on, Kent.” Blorlog cuts me off with a dismissive wave. “We’re in a ZOO. Look around you—you think we’re ever going to have to fight a goddamn Face Eater? The boys like having something to do. Pretending they’re a simian version of Delta Force keeps their mind off this bullshit existence.”
“Yeah…” I scratch my ass, sniff my fingers, then wipe them on my leg. “I guess you’re right. The thing is, if one of those—”
“Kent! KENT WAYNE!”
“KEEEEENT!” My mother’s voice echoes through the enclosure. “TIME TO LEAVE!”
Blorlog gives me a sad smile. “It’s time to face the music, Kent. We love the bejesus out of you, but you were never one of us. You’re an eight-year old huma—”
“Don’t say it!” I cry. “I don’t WANT to be human! They make me wear clothes…they make me use toilet paper and soap!”
Blorlog places a tiny paw onto my shoulder. “Your wiener and mind are too damn beautiful to confine to a zoo, Kent. It’s time to go. Time to show the rest of the world what your idiot brain and your super-thick, upcurved, diamond-hard peen can do to satisfy those desperately yearning vajeens scattered throughout Soccer Mom-infested PTAs.”
“NO!” I scream through a blurry wash of tears. “I WAS MEANT TO BE A MONKEY!”
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
RUUUUUAAAAAHHHH!!!! I pound my chest as thick muscles burst across my trunk and wrap my limbs. My jaw grows thick and prothagonous, and my skin sprouts a dense coat of silvery fur. In a matter of seconds, I’ve transformed into my long-ago ancestor:
Kunt Wog. Enormous-ass, nine-foot tall gigantopithecus.
“Ooh-hoo ooh-hoo ooh-hoo ook ook AWK!” I fly through the air and superman-punch the plexiglass wall. The wall bursts apart into a storm of fragments. The Rhesus Monkeys behind me scream in delight.
The Humes near the exhibit scream in panic. They run every which way as my little monkey brethren escape their prison and charge through the zoo, shitting in the streets and stuffing big ol’ handfuls of cotton candy into their gibbers.
I grab a chain of spicy sausages from an abandoned snack cart and leap onto the roof of the gift shop. I raise the sausages above my head, scream in triumph, then gulp em down. (I’ll pay for it later, but even though they’re painful, Fire Shits are deeply satisfying. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.)
I see a handful of soccer moms staring up at me. Mobs of panicked zoo-goers surge past them, howling for security. One of the moms points at my crotch, skates her fingers across her neck line, and whispers:
“The legends are true.”
I cock both fingers, give her a jaunty little two-gun salute—pkew pkew!—and an accompanying wink. Then I gallop away on all fours and disappear into the night.
The legends ARE true! The upcurve is real! Mwahahaha!!! 😀
Are you sick of being human? Do you need to revert back to your ape-like nature and take a goddamn break from TPS reports and Casual Fridays? I’ve got just the thing! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜