Hump the leg! Steal the pizza! Nip the ankle! Jump off the couch and—
—charge through the doggy door! GodDAMN do I love being a Labrador! Stoopid-ass two-legs trynna hold me down, but I pee on their carpets and shit in their mugs! Can’t stop me, you big-brained slowpokes! HEH heh heh! HA ha ha! OOH HOO HAHAHA—
“Kent Wayne!” A horrified gasp. “BAD DOG! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!”
Nuh uh! I race circles around the yard, panting up a storm, a shit-eating (that can be a literal description, depending on the occasion) grin smeared wide across my face. Faster faster faster! Zoomie zoomie zoom! MUAHAHAHA—
WHOOF! My owner tackles me, wrasslin’ me down to the ground and flipping me onto my back. Look at her all red-faced and sweaty—HA! Dogs are SO much better than hoomans!
She stares me in the eye and levels a quivering finger at my give-no-fucks face. “We’re going to the vet—you’re getting snipped. This is long overdue, Kent.”
Wait—what? I cock my head, giving her one of my Super Cute Puzzled Expressions. “Ah-roo?” What the hell does that mean, “snipped?”
She’s not completely stoopid; she gets that I’m confused. “Your balls, Kent. We’re taking them away.”
Oh. My. DOG!
NONONONONO!!! I wriggle like a fish out of water, bucking her off and scrambling into the house. Doesn’t this idiot know that my hairy, pendulous balls account for over 90% of my mental capacity??? Jesus Christ, she might as well lobotomize me! FUCK!
No options left. I run over to her eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A quartet of super-springy, alloy-forged dog booties materialize over my paws, locking into place with an eye-catching flash. I charge back through the doggy door, sprint toward the fence, and—
—soar into the air, propelled twenty feet up by my magic booties. At the apex of my leap, I cut a glorious silhouette against the afternoon sun, paws stretched out like I was a doggy version of the Last Son of Krypton.
Cut off my balls—you serious, bro??? Ain’t no neutering Kent fucking Wayne! What next—you gonna shave Chuck Norris’s beard and slap him with a restraining order that prohibits him from going within five hundred yards of a sleeveless denim shirt??? Get the fuck outta here!
Kent Wayne—Labrador Extraordinaire—escapes again! Ha HA!
Are you a happy-go-lucky, four-legged goofus whose genitals are in dire need of a Hail Mary save? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜