I’ve blasted out some push-ups, thrown on a tight yet dressy shirt, spritzed myself with a bit o’ cologne, combed my hair, and scrubbed my taint with a soapy toothbrush.  All so I can take part in one of the most beatific, amaze-balls phenomena to ever arise in the twenty-first century:

Cougar speed dating!

OH yeah!  I clap my hands and rub them briskly together before I sitting across from my first prospect:  a lovely soccer mom named Karen.  She compliments me on my shirt, gives me a rundown—she’s a CEO, crossfitter, all-around asskicker—then hands the ball to me.

“Tell me about yourself, Kent.”

“I’m 5.5 inches in circumference, diamond hard, and I curve up.  When I’m hitting it doggy, I have to watch the angle, or I risk hurting my—”

Wha-PAP!  She clocks me in the face, sending a flash of red racing through my vision.  At the same time, the buzzer goes off and I stumble to the next table, clutching my fast-swelling eye socket.  FUCK!  I’d meant to say something about how much I love travel, not the thickness of my peen!

Before I can figure out what the hell’s wrong with me, the buzzer goes off again.  My second prospect is a double PhD, MMA enthusiast, and competitively ranked in international chess.  After the intro, she asks me what I like to do when I’m not at work.

“I’m not sure what’s better,” I hear myself say, “receiving analingus or giving it.  I feel kinda vulnerable grabbing my feet and baring my butthole in happy baby pose, but I still—”

SMACK!  My head shoots sideways, courtesy of the full-body slap she’s just delivered to my right cheek.  I barely manage to block a follow-on roundhouse kick as it comes winging toward my temple.  Still—there’s enough force behind it to knock me off my feet and send me sliding across the floor.

Twice in a row…something’s wrong with the ol’ Kent Wayne brain!  I stagger up and run to the bathroom.  Once I catch my breath, I peer into the mirror, focusing on my eyes.  Not sure what’s going on, but…

A-ha!  In the center of my pupils, I see the source of my problems.  Long story short, my brain has no prefrontal cortex—instead, my higher functions are determined by a hamster on a wheel. 

Right now, the little guy’s asleep.  Only one way to fix this.

I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

BRRZZT!   A little jag of lightning jumps from the eReader into my left ear.  It runs through my neurosynaptic channels, jumpstarting True Hamster back into wakefulness.  He shakes his furry little head and starts scurrying away on his wheel.

I throw on my best panty-dropping smile and walk outside.  Cougar #3 gives me a brief rundown on what she’s about, then asks what my deal is.

“I’ve got solid job prospects.  I also have passive income from real estate and I’m about to get more.  In my free time, I like to exercise like a madman and write well-reviewed books.”

Her smile widens and she lifts a finger to her ear, curling her hair back in a clear sign of interest.  “Well….if you’re packing a girthy penis and enjoy giving analingus as much as you like receiving it, I think we can call this a night and head over to my apartment.”

And THAT, my friends, is how much of a difference having Echo on your eReader can make in your Quest for Booty.

😀

 

Does the hamster in your brain need a quick jump-start so that you don’t scare off potential suitors?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜