“HRNH!” Third rep!
“RAH!!!” Fourth rep!
“RuaaaaAAHHHHH….IMPERIUS MOTHERFUCKING REX!”
OH YEAH! Five reps of 315, son! As I rack the squat bar, it makes a satisfying CLINK. Gym bros all around stop what they’re doing and give me approving nods.
“Killing it, brah!”
I nod back at em, hands on my hips, lips spread wide in an involuntary smile. “Thanks guys. I think it was just a lucky—”
And then, one of them asks a question that sends a shiver of dread racing down my spine:
“What’s on your playlist, bro?”
“Uh…” I clear my throat. “Uh, you know—Metallica, Megadeth, Hordak’s revenge, um…”
The bro who asked the question narrows his eyes. “ ‘Hordak’s Revenge?’ Sounds like you made that up.” He whips out his phone and starts typing it in. “H-O-R-D—”
“It’s an indie band!” I blurt, glancing quickly from side to side, trying to assure them of my mainstream manhood. “Yeah! Metal as fuck, brah! They’re not anyone you’d—”
The bro’s eyes wrinkle in puzzlement…then they go flat. “Hordak is a character from a 1980s cartoon called She-Ra.” His eyes lock with mine, and the other bros sidle closer, ringing me in with crossed arms and menacing looks. “Let’s see your playlist, Kent.”
Before I can answer, one of them snatches my phone out of my hands and begins scrolling through it. “Mariah Carey, J-pop, old stuff from Madonna…TAYLOR SWIFT???” He levels a quivering finger at me. “THIS BEAST-ASS FUCK IS INFLICTING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE ON US THROUGH HIS PANSY-ASS TASTE IN MUSIC! RIP HIS NUTS OFF!”
The bros surge toward me, intent on ripping my pendulous sack from my well-muscled thighs. Before they can touch me, I snatch my phone back and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“HI-YO FREAKIN’ CUNTPUNTER!” Taylor Swift grabs the nearest bro just as I’m cringing away. Her right hand hooks onto his upper row of teeth, and her left hand onto his lower row. She pulls them apart as if she was parting a set of elevator doors, and a gurgling scream bursts from his throat, just before the connective tissue squelches apart in a disgusting riiiIIIIPPP!!! It sounds like damp carpet being torn off the floor.
She side kicks another bro square in the sternum, blowing his spine out through his backside. Jags of bloody vertebrae poke through the back of his tank top—dude looks like a fucked up stegosaurus.
Taylor drops to the floor and back sweeps another, kicking his legs out from under him. During the brief time he’s suspended in the air, she twirls into a 720 spin kick, decapitating him with a full body roundhouse right to the face. His severed head goes flying into the weight rack—it’s like goddamn Andre the Giant just scored a strike in the kiddie bowling lane; dumbells go flying every which way, turning the gym into a jagged mess of broken mirrors and ripped up drywall.
Taylor bends me over like a WWII sailor and plants a juicy one on my lips. She grabs hold of my nuts and screams, “THESE ARE MINE! ANYONE WHO FUCKS WITH THEM WILL KNOW MY FURY!”
The rest of the bros flee from her bloody, rage-streaked visage. She flings me over her shoulder and gives me a firm pat on the buttocks.
“Let’s put you to work, Man Whore. Goddamn—I hope you’ve been eating your pineapple, because I am thirsty as hell.”
Am I afraid? You bet your perineum I am. But that doesn’t stop a shit-eating grin from blooming on my face. 😀
*70s porn music*
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜