Musings

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha47 Comments

I view emotional management as an existential game, in which continual acceptance–which often means including/acknowledging my internal negativity–is my present moment aim. For me, that’s the surest way back to positivity: by allowing whatever arises its own existence, without necessarily agreeing with it and/or grudgingly tolerating it. (Another way to phrase is it would be to not reject it and mentally let it be.)

The faster I can get back to open positivity, the better I am at perceiving and capitalizing on an abundance of opportunities. From there, I can stack advantages and gains, and build constructive momentum. The converse is true when I wallow in negativity longer than necessary (when it doesn’t feel like relief anymore, and/or my gut says I need to move on) or if I try to fight or deny it. That makes it linger longer than I’d like.

47 thoughts on “Musings”

    • I can partially relate, I think. I used to want daily company and spent most of my life with either a roommate or romantic partner. Strangely enough, I now enjoy my bachelor hermit lifestyle. I still see buddies, but it’s a weekly thing at the most, usually every two or three. I think for me, writing has become the equivalent of an imaginary friend 😅

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      • Oh, I agree 100%! I am a solitary creature who needs my space (definitely realizing daily is not my cup of tea, I love having my own place, own room, etc) but I also realize when I am isolating too much. I think knowing someone, fully and truly to their core, means knowing they need alone time as well. Some more than others. I have made so many shifts in this life that there are few that can relate to me. I think of Alan Watts often, who lived outside of society, observing and writing. His writings speak to my soul and I can understand why he chose solitude. But the lonlieness does indeed take its toll after a while, especially when you are a physical person (well, when I choose to be haha) But I appreciate the insight into different ways of being. I find it all so fascinating and it also helps greatly with character development in writing 😉 The creatures and characters in my inner worlds are also dear friends 🙂 I am working on writing a couple of them out so I can share them! Until then I enjoy others.

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      • Mild synchronicity, because I’ve recently been listening to Watts myself! I’ve always loved that 5 minute monologue he has that starts with “I wonder, I wonder…” but I’ve recently begun listening to his full lectures. He definitely has a gift for articulating the transcendent. Looking at later problems in his life, however, I get the impression that maybe he was spending more time in an intellectual space with the subject matter instead of moving into an experiential realm, as he implies is the “goal.” Nevertheless, I think he’s one of the best orators that I can remember, almost hypnotic at times!

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      • Haha like attract like! I was listening yesterday to his talk on Letting Go and part of it he was talking about how you attract your energy. And I most definitely agree with your assessment. I feel that most people who are on the path of spiritual enlightenment, tend to remove themselves from society. As for themselves, I think this makes it difficult for them to really relate to humanity fully. By them removing themselves, they give us tools to be able to live within humanity. It’s almost like a sacrifice of their life for the greater good. He sacrificed so we can begin to step into evolution. Also, that is a great lesson of his. Are we not pretending to not be god as we create and dream our realities into existence? I think we are enculturated into smallness, a form of control. As we evolve we begin to wake up. Another great Buddhist author is Pema Chodron her book Comfortable With Uncertainty is amazing and I highly recommend.

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      • I’m with you, I used to view law of attraction as nonsense, but it works on both a psychological and mystical level. Also, anecdotally, I just can’t ignore its track record in my life anymore. I think the scientific view is pretty fascinating, though, where credentialed folks are starting to at least entertain the idea that reality isn’t just a random mechanism, that consciousness plays a much greater role than traditionally believed, and they’re attempting to get hard data and reconciliation on anomalous stuff that ranges from placebo to UFOs/paranormal.

        I like your view on his long-term win! I don’t think anyone necessarily has to sacrifice (well maybe negativity in the grand scheme of things, and who knows if he saw his “troubles” that way, personally I hope he was just having fun). Regardless, I believe we can find use and delight in his expression!

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      • I have “attracted” people I have needed as well as people who, at the time, abused me because I didn’t think I was worth a healthy relationship. As I shift I feel the energy shift. So I too have felt this pull and play of energy and connectedness my whole life.

        I think sacrifice is a word that holds a vast amount of negativity, but it is an unavoidable occurrence that happens with every decision we make. When we choose something we are sacrificing another option(s). It’s not bad or good, it just is.

        I have no doubt he loved his life, you can hear it in his voice. But sacrifices don’t necessarily equate to unhappiness or happiness. I suppose that is the theme of his teachings. To not attach. To be in Zen.

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      • I have definitely framed sacrifice in the opportunity cost view for most of my life, but as time went on, I realized that judging cost in the moment didn’t give me an accurate view of long-term results (I’ve often gotten better than imagined outcomes from “bad” things, like the farmer in the Taoist parable). So I think that in a short time frame, yes, we are deprived of one thing for another, but I view it as more of a game than an affront (I think you’re saying something same or similar in “it’s not good or bad, it just is”) That’s why I don’t really view (and more importantly feel) it as sacrifice, or giving something up, but more of a move in a game I find fun and engaging. And if you really want to get abstract, you can start viewing it from a simultaneous time perspective, or an omnipresent mystical perspective (like Watts), where there’s much more to an individual than is apparent, so the idea of trading one thing for another starts to become less based on lack and opportunities lost, and much more game-like and explorable from another perspective that extends beyond our physical individuality.

        As far as non-attachment, I’m personally not a fan of the potential for misinterpretation of that phrase, specifically suppressing, ignoring, or invalidating thoughts or emotions. I lean more toward the connotation of acceptance, where if even I don’t agree with or like something, I acknowledge its right to exist, to be included in an infinite, all-inclusive existence. So if I want to release anger, I’ll freely admit to myself Yes, I’m angry, yes, I hate so and so. To me, that paradoxically lessens the pull of an undesirable thought or emotion by cutting off its energy, whether that’s from rationalizing/exploring it or fighting/rejecting it. (I liken it to an argument where both sides go from trying to dominate each other to agreeing to civilly disagree and go their separate ways). It doesn’t mean I agree with it, it’s prioritizing the energetic release of a dug-in thought or emotion.

        With Zen, I’m a fan of the koans, of the idea that words can only point to the transcendent (which also seemed a position many famous philosophers took), but not so much of the whacking you while you try and meditate in a painful sitting position. That’s just me, though. As Watts implies, an omnipotent consciousness would find infinite ways to explore its own omnipotence through infinite perspectives and sets of limitations, so if emotional aloofness or whacking and sitting trigger transcendence in anyone, it’d be hypocritical of me to reject their right to exist in an all-inclusive existence.

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      • We are definitely expressing the same ideas, just in different ways. I find it refreshing to have these little chats. They remind me of the challenging conversations I had when I lived in Seattle. I miss having discussions like this. There aren’t many people in Maine who share my wavelength. It’s amazing how the things you think you’ll miss are not always the ones you do, and the things you never really considered can become the ones you crave.

        I absolutely love your second paragraph on attachment. However, I’d like to point out that by accepting and allowing each other to have our space, we are, in fact, living in the moment without becoming attached to any specific emotion or idea. I think of attachment as “holding on” or not expressing ourselves. When we give our emotions, ideas, and creations space (and do the same for others), we allow energy to flow as it needs to. But we are essentially conveying the same concepts, just with different approaches and varying interpretations of the definitions of the words we choose to use.

        I’m glad you enjoy Koans. I did a series on my Instagram a few years ago where I read a Koan every day. My friends loved it, and I’ve actually been thinking about getting back into it! Alan Watts mentioned in a talk I listened to the other day that poetry is a way to describe the indescribable. Koans are, in fact, a form of poetry. How do we describe something for which we have no words? We must rely on analogies, metaphors, and anthropomorphisms to explain it, often by comparing our emotions to nature, which tends to capture the essence accurately (at least for me).
        Thank you again for the thought provoking conversation!

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      • I figured we were on the same wavelength! Yes, I think we are the same or at least similar in our view on the concept of attachment. When I was younger, I wasn’t mature enough to view it that way, and I ended up buying into the fallacy that it meant ignoring (suppressing) emotions, or using logic to try and invalidate them so I didn’t feel them because they had no right to exist. It was only later, when I realized they were a crucial piece of the transcendent (I think in this context, I could also substitute all-inclusive for that word) experience, and they needed to be acknowledged and given space to exist or I was going to reject them, which meant that I would shape my world into one where I would “attract” things to reject, if that makes any sense.

        Yes, I agree with you on koans. I think they are one of the most direct forms of poetry, in that poetry can break “rules” concerning grammar, white space on a page, rhythm, meter, word definition, etc. etc. to evoke a flash of transcendence. A koan does it in one of the most engaging manners possible, I think, by challenging the individual to answer the question with their whole being–to be and abide in the answer, if you will–instead of just of their intellect, which is often bound by a one-way flow of time, inductive/deductive logic, cost/benefit models, the kind of stuff that’s not as binding for our deeper aspects.

        I’m always happy to meet a fellow ponderer and trade expressions! Thank you for the dialogue! I’m heartened by your ability to express what resonates with you and also express others’ right to resonate with a different set of specifics. Even with tolerant mystical philosophies, I often find folks that end up trying to impose their beliefs on others, when that goes against the all-inclusive, omni-possible, mystical model of existence. (But to be fair, I’ve done that in the past as well, and sometimes find myself tempted to do it nowadays.)

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      • I feel like when I think, I thik in Koans, if that makes sense. So, when I articulate my thoughts in writing I have that intention behind them, forgetting that we translate words differently within our minds.

        I too am guilty of trying to sway others to my ideals, as if I know what is best. I think it is natural for us to want to try and control our environment in some way, but this is the point right? If we didn’t try to do that we wouldn’t even have to worry about all this, we would just be. It is a crazy rabbit hole of thought when you really start to think about it.
        I feel that one day we will all just be, no need to control anything, conflict will just dissipate. Control arises when we want our world (including people) to be what we want, rather than what they truly are. Which to go deeper into a hole of thought is that we are really nothing.
        I took a course … god, almost 15 years ago now, called Landmark. I only stayed for one installment (it had the cult vibes that I wasn’t into). They challenged us to look at our core memories, the ones that brought us the most pain. The memories that drove our decisions ‘behind-the-scenes”. We had to write those ‘stories’ without any emotion. Just simple facts as to the event that happened. My biggest memory was a sexual assault from a parent when I was 10. So I wrote… exactly what happened, zero emotions, just facts. We then had to read them out loud until we had no emotions attached to that memory anymore. The lady directing us was pretty hardcore on me and challenged me to let go of the emotion, it actually pissed off an older lady in the class, but I didn’t mind, I knew I needed it. In the end the lesson she was teaching us was to create a blank slate, the past is just a story, it doesn’t live in the present. It is our warped emotions of what happened that hurts us in the present. So now, whenever I am feeling triggered I try to remember to say ‘thank you’ and return myself to the present moment. Sometimes, this is easier said than done.
        I don’t know where I was going with that haha Oh, yes… In short, we are in fact nothing. I think that is the heart of Zen really. Or how I perceive it. Everything and nothing all at once. When in the present moment we ourselves seem to disappear. Begs to differ what life really is? Are any of us really any different from each other once we put aside all our beliefs about ourself and our world?
        This is great, you have my mind activated in contemplation. I love it!

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      • I attended the intro/solicitation of a landmark forum many years ago, and I wasn’t a fan of it either. However, to circle back to Watts, if possibility is truly infinite, who’s to say something of benefit can’t come from something that’s mostly unpreferable? I feel like that you navigated that pretty well, if that’s what ended up happening.

        If you believe in a mystical interpretation of reality, yes, I think you’re right in that one day we will all just be. Because if we’re part of some omnipotent creative force and we can’t help but be it, and only separate from it in the sense of pretending, then we can never not be it, and as time stretches toward infinity, we will at some point live the scenario where we will remember what we are. I like to phrase it as a “no-lose game.” If there is a goal to that game, I think it could be roughly interpreted as enjoying the middle, by re-experiencing transcendence through an individual limited perspective (aka unexplored from an omnipotent consciousness’s point of view, which would make it novel). And that’s where all the mindfulness and non-attachment and be here now would become relevant–I interpret those things as living the “goal.” But if that doesn’t happen, I’d say it’s also okay, because as I’ve said, it’s a no-lose game.

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      • I like the ‘no-lose game’; it feels like an inherent truth. As I’ve pondered ‘just being,’ I think we can experience moments on Earth when this can happen, but I’m uncertain if it can ever become a collective way of life. This world, dimension, or place (whichever term you prefer) is heavy. I truly believe that we incarnate here to learn, to teach, and to overcome. It’s divinity’s way of expanding and experiencing more than it could if it were whole. This, in turn, opens the door to the idea that we are all, in fact, divine in our own being, infinite.

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      • The heaviness is real! What’s ironic is that even according to our most prosaic, reliably scientific/mathematics-based models of reality, we’re just crystallized energy made mostly of empty space that doesn’t even touch other “objects,” we create that idea from the interactions of subatomic force fields that our brain interprets into feeling.

        I’m not trying to be nitpicky or trying to correct your stance (every perspective has the right to choose their own interpretation of reality, so even if I was trying to tell you how to think, I’d only be wasting energy that I’d prefer to channel into a more pleasant approach, aka reveling in my own interpretation) but I have a very slightly semantically different take on what you’ve said, in that I believe my experiencing is more fundamental than me learning, teaching, and overcoming. In other words, I believe I’m here to experience the learning, the teaching, and the overcoming, rather than primarily being here for learning, teaching, or overcoming. I frame it like: what do I have to learn, when I come from the all-knowing, or what do I have to teach to another piece of it, or what do I have to overcome when it’s from the same mystical source, which arguably is already manifest in all solutions when you remove the restrictions of individuality and the one-way flow of time? Then that begs the question, why don’t I just manifest exactly what I want, right here, right now? So I have to circle back to the answer that I was funneled into an individual perspective and a one-way flow of time so I could experience the sequential unfolding of the manifestation, because in a mystically whole, omnipotence-powered, no-possibility-denied existence, the manifestation/solution already exists.

        That probably ended up turning into a bunch of word salad 😅 My point is that for me, experience is the priority, with the caveat that these are just words that can’t directly communicate the transcendent, so if someone prioritizes another approach, that is also included in all-inclusive transcendence, and thus part of the no-lose game.

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      • I find it amusing, not at your expense, but rather at the fact that we’re expressing identical thoughts in different ways. You’re clearly aligned with the notion of implementation, which is something I also resonate with. I genuinely believe that our purpose is to engage in this process, though not everyone may harbor the desire or inclination to do so. Consequently, they continue unfold (be reborn) in this world until they eventually find that desire.

        But, I hold the belief in the path of the bodhisattva, where individuals, once they attain enlightenment, willingly return to guide others towards their own enlightenment.
        I think an actual conversation about this would go over much better as a lot of what I think we are both trying to portray is, at its core, the same message. I hope you are well.

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      • I’m glad there’s folks like you! I love the altruistic spirit in the bodhisattva path. I used to think that was me, but then I realized it was something I believed I should do out of insecurity: I thought I needed to validate myself by saving others, or that society was in peril and it needed my help, I don’t have the unconditional compassion that creates synchronicity and re-energization when aiding others. It may not be for me, or it may just be for a later date, when I’ve done some other stuff first.

        I have a weird take on it, in that I don’t think anyone can be forcibly saved (which I used to believe). I noticed I could articulate a course of action which other folks would outwardly agree with, that it was the smart thing to do, that it would open more opportunities and create more benefits…and they wouldn’t do it. After a lot of frustration, I began to realize that if someone resonates with always being in trouble, if they personally take everything as a problem and/or a threat, they will find a way to always be in trouble, regardless of what or who shows them how to make things better. Nowadays I like to say my door is open to help folks out, until they prove they are acting in bad faith. That doesn’t mean I shut them out forever–if they come back later with good faith intent, I’ll gladly try helping them again. So I’m more of a friendly neighbor, I think, than a savior-type. I view bodhisattva as a choice in a huge range of choose-your-own adventures, where someone picks that style so they can help others who are open to upliftment through another individual. But if someone truly resonates with upliftment, I think they will find a way to uplift themselves, whether it’s through a song, book, random epiphany, etc. The bodhisattva, in my mind, is not a make or break condition for upliftment, but I very much admire the compassion that comes with choosing that adventure.

        As far as enlightenment, that used to be my goal, but then I started getting Alan Watts about it, lol! I suppose there are technical qualifiers for enlightenment, like sustained bliss or extraordinary powers, but if I re-integrate with a divinity that constrained itself to experience individuality, then I realized I’d probably have fun with it for awhile, but going back into individuality would happen again at some point. I heard a tongue-in-cheek description of it: “Enlightenment is the ultimate disappointment.” Logically, this may hold true, in that someone realizes what they already are, and also realizes they will forget again to experience re-integration from another perspective, but I don’t think it’s a disappointment from a full-being perspective, which comes with joy and bliss and novelty. Regardless, if it happens it happens, I’m inclined to enjoy my individualized perspective and let it occur in its own time without urgency, obligation, or graspy-ness. Having a preview was nice, though. In 2016 I did a heroic dose of DMT and was simultaneously blown away and incomprehensibly satisfied with the unity and love that I experienced. The funny thing about it is that it didn’t make me yearn to feel it again. I know folks who do it repetitively as an escape mechanism from their troubles, but it made me believe all the stuff I already believed on a much more visceral and experiential level, principally that existence is made of love, laughter, and dreams, and that we are indeed stuck in a no-lose game. We can throw a tantrum, and that can make the game unpleasant, but we will be forced to remember what we truly are at one point or another, and there’s no room for anything but sheer positivity once that happens. In my opinion, it’s beyond the concept of energy, because energy requires a high and a low to give it definition. My glimpse of it was beyond any duality. Whether that was real or not isn’t the point for me, because it was so powerful that the question of it being real ceased to matter. I think personally, my major takeaway was it’s safe to be a happy idiot. I used to think I had to know everything, constantly piece together knowledge and strategies to protect myself and outperform the “bad guys,” then eventually I realized I’d much rather just immerse myself in this experience and allow life to unfold. Not to say that justice-minded folks are wrong, I’m happy those people are doing what they’re doing, I’ve just clarified what works for me and how I want to live for now.

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      • “I will keep this one short and sweet, like me! Hahahaha (insert devil horns here). I fully agree and empathize. When I was a child, I used to think I was meant to carry all the pain of the world. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that I can feel/see people’s pain, their demons, their strife.

        It is frustrating when you know what someone needs, but they refuse to do it. I have, for the most part, stepped away from ‘trying’ and am now too on the path of what you say. If you come to me and want help/advice/coaching, I got you. If not, I understand but will always be here for you. I do enjoy how you write out your thoughts. It is refreshing and invigorating for my mind. I am usually the one who ‘out talks/types,’ so being able to just sit back and read while saying ‘yussss’ is a nice reality to be in right now.

        I have never had a goal of enlightenment but more of stepping past traumas and learning and loving myself fully. I share because I want others to get to that same point.

        I remember when I was in high school, I would literally punch myself in the stomach because I thought I was too fat. I would punch and call myself stupid/fat/ugly… It was not a great mental space, obviously. I now truly love all I am and all I encompass, and it has made life feel amazing. But I didn’t come to this until this year!! I have loved parts of myself, but 40 years of self-loathing is too much time. So, if I can help at least one person escape their own hell, I will consider my life well-lived in this unfolding. This is how I view the path of the Bodhisattva. I could revel in my new outlook and just live in that serenity, but I choose to go back and reflect, to relive it in a way to help others.

        Anyway, I think I got off on a tangent there. Not to say that people don’t frustrate me; they most definitely do, especially when they get stuck in their looped feelings of ‘oh woes me.’ I have zero compassion for that. Venting is great! But once you get it out, you work on it. I definitely don’t have the compassion to help everyone. I am also about facing your life, sitting in uncomfortability; growth happens in the uncomfortable spaces in life.I too never use drugs as an escape because of this reason. I have shroomed and am 420 friendly, but I use them responsibly and for the most part not daily. I actually gave up alcohol beginning of this year because I didn’t like how it made my body feel, and in truth I didn’t need it to have a good time. So why consume it?

        I used to also be in that space of needing all information as a form of protection. It made me a great lie detector, and I could be a master manipulator if I decided to choose that path. Now I am learning that I don’t need to be in survival anymopre and to let things be, to learn me, to love me, and to share that experience with others.
        We can say all day none of it is real, and really it isn’t, but here we are now… reading and writing out innermost thoughts. I had a crazy thought on a drive this morning. I was saying to myself, “What if none of these people you talk with are real? They are all just extensions of your own psyche.” There is truth in this as well, and we are all interconnected and energetic beings. I think as we grow and learn and as we meet new people, we have new experiences that end up changing our realities. Such is life, ever-flowing, ever-changing, ever-growing.

        Also, I realize this is in fact NOT short and sweet haha

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      • We’re on the same vibe! I too, have been told I’m sweet, specifically in regard to my kissable lips! 🤣

        Venting is interesting. I always had an aversion to it, then later I read scientific studies that it doesn’t actually help, that it creates a short term drop in blood pressure which might feel good, but it actually increases anger and negativity in the long term. I think it’s a bit more nuanced than that, in that I think we need to acknowledge and honor our negative emotions’ right to exist and not reject them, but I generally agree with the idea that acting them out fuels the fire. Apparently, the studies also tracked results with punching bags, hammering stuff, and other harmless destructive acts, and the conclusions were the same. Not that scientific studies are the end-all be-all but I agree with the broad implications in those. Dealing with venting people is a bit trickier for me. I think my first priority is accept, not internally reject, what they’re saying and accept/not reject any anger I might feel because they’re dumping a problem-focused worldview on me, and in most cases, they’re trying to get me to subscribe to that worldview so they can feel companionship and solidarity. My next priority is accepting/not rejecting my preference, which is I simply don’t want to be around that person, and putting an easy focus on making an exit. (It’s important for me not to internally reject them or any negativity I might feel toward them for trying to suck me into negativity, because sometimes all that might be an unexpected step in an orchestration of incidences that’s leading me to a desired outcome) Sometimes I end up drawing a boundary, which might sever the relationship, but I’ve often found that if someone adopts a more positive worldview even after that happens, we’ll find a way to reconnect. That plays into my belief that outcomes play out depending on our frequency or resonance. I’ve gone the other route, where I exhaust myself trying to spin someone’s venting into positive outlooks and possibilities, but not only does that not work for me, it sometimes makes them more angry because they feel like I’m denying them solidarity. Or, even if they agree, I’ll find that they just go back to venting later. That also convinced me that I can’t forcibly change someone’s vibration, regardless of how I barrage them with logic or positivity, that it’s truly up to them. I have to trust they’ll learn what they want to at their own pace, and I have to focus on honoring my own design–I volunteered to explore a certain set of experiences, and it’s become obvious that trying to constantly cheer up negativity-addicted folks isn’t part of that.

        I’m a big fan of shrooms! I might do em once a week at the most, but in the last year it’s petered off to once a month or two. I used to think psychedelics could save the world, until I realized philosophically, they’re just another external manifestation, which is equivalent to other external manifestations to include religions and churches. If salvation depended on external manifestations, it would make for a silly life quest. We’d go questing for the right plant or right religion and that would make for a shortage in salvation, because plants are subject to supply and demand other external factors. Same with religion–what if I’m born on an island that doesn’t have that religion, and I live my whole life never encountering it? It really does go back to the cliche that the answers are inside us, and then it gets richer when we realize the inside and outside are inextricably the same, and that we’re all thought-forms of a mystical consciousness, and we can tap its knowledge and creative power to make thought-forms of our own.

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      • hahaha *sends air kiss and a wink* 😘

        Boundaries are a must and crucial in every aspect of life, especially when navigating the terrain of helping someone escape their own internal hell. When I say “vent,” I mean just that. Get it out once, ONCE!! Then dissect! Ask yourself questions: Why does this make me angry/sad/frustrated, etc.? I am essentially an outside source that is safe for them to just ‘get it out of their head,’ with zero judgment. We all have some crazy thoughts that swirl around in our minds sometimes, and just releasing them into the air can clear up a lot of mental space. Think of it as journaling out loud. I could never be a traditional therapist or counselor. People often get stuck in their trauma loops, and instead of trying to break free, they find solace in playing/being the victim. I am not about that. Naturally, there is a selection process that happens, but I am also very clear upfront about how I work, haha, so that does make a difference. If you can’t handle my approach, please move along. I can be intense, and I challenge people to face themselves. This includes confronting our toxic behaviors (we all have them), and most people do not want to do that.

        Regarding religion, I hold many non-popular beliefs. I think that all religions hinder humanity from evolving and keep humans in a situation where they act like good people out of fear. It has never made sense to me; even as a child, they all looked like a bunch of nonsense to me. This doesn’t mean I deny religion or persecute anyone who decides to follow it, but it isn’t for me, and I don’t teach that to my kids. I teach them how to question and reflect, how to be present, etc. I always say that I have it the hardest, being a generational curse breaker (I use “curse” loosely here). My kids will have it easier, and then their kids will have it even easier than them. It’s a ripple effect that we cannot see in our lifetimes but will pave a new path for humanity. Fingers crossed haha.

        I have a friend who grows his own mushrooms, and I may be getting into it as well. But more for micro dosing (having a full trip once in a blue moon).

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      • I’m a bit different, in that I don’t really get the urge to vent (I used to, but I think that was because I was insecure in trusting my own intuition, and I constantly needed others feedback to feel validated in an opinion), but if I reject or deny something, it keeps bugging me in the form of intrusive negative thoughts. Recently, I’ve found that if I treat that negative part of me like someone who just wants to be heard (I guess I’m letting it vent to my surface consciousness), that it doesn’t keep intruding. So I’ll just acknowledge that however irrational it is, I have the right to feel whatever I’m feeling. If I hate someone, so be it. (It doesn’t mean I truly hate them, but it does mean I’m acknowledging the hate in the moment, regardless of whether its valid or not). Same with depression, irritation, or any other negative emotion, which might be over something stupid and first world, maybe as trivial as I ordered chicken but they’re out of it at the moment. I find that emotional, irrational part of me just wants to be heard, acknowledged, and allowed to be felt, not necessarily expressed to others. Once it’s been given room to be acknowledged, that’s when it calms down. That’s just me, though. As far as other people venting to me, I actually don’t mind if it’s intermingled with a solution-oriented mindset, in other words if they’re talking about something that’s pissing them off or someone who’s a piece of shit, but then they also throw in what’s the best way to deal with this or minimize this person’s obstructiveness, something like that.

        I agree with your take on religions, which I largely include Buddhism and Hinduism as, even though many say Buddhism is a philosophy. Personally, I think of religion as being a transactional relationship with the divine–where you trade suffering and effort for a possible future reward. (In a lot of Buddhism, you’re doing all this meditation and various yogas to whittle down karma so you can maybe be enlightened). Mysticism, which is nested in most if not every religion, is transcendental in my mind, as opposed to transactional. The presence of divinity transcends all conditions and boundaries, which means instead of transacting with it, constantly bartering with it for a maybe reward, its more a matter of relaxing into it, allowing its presence to become manifest. Instead of running around, figuring what to sacrifice next (religion), mysticism to me is shifting perspective into a full-being realization that nothing is truly a sacrifice, even though it may appear that way from a limited surface perspective. It’s a game, or a no-lose game, as I’ve said before.

        I’ve only done two full trips (DMT in 2016, then a 7g mushroom in 2017), but I’ve had a couple ayahuasca experiences, two lesser DMT experiences, and a bunch of lesser mushroom ones (I actually enjoy a lower dose most times, where I can enjoy the buzz and there’s no visuals). The message I’ve gotten is pretty consistent: I need to relax and have fun. When I first came to psychedelics, I used to write all these questions down and I’d get worked up thinking I would make some kind of quantum leap. Maybe that’s how it is for others, but I’ve spent most of my life being disciplined, strict, and logical, so all that willpower and strategy stuff is natural to me, I think to the point where it can easily shrink my potential because I’ve been inclined to get masochistic with it. X number of words per day, X number of reps, X number of calories at such and such times from such and such sources…what’s it all for? In the last few years I shifted away from all that, because even without an alarm clock, I wake up early, I like to exercise on my own, so I don’t need to force it when I’m not feeling well or energized, etc. etc. It’s not something I recommend for everyone, however. Some folks might live a happier life with more routine and discipline.

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      • I will have to look more into Mysticism. I pull what feels good from every religion I encounter, but I too do not like to be confined or told how to believe, and I have been through enough suffering. Thanks, but no thanks. I think every person has their own connection and way they interpret and understand divinity. I love hearing and entertaining other beliefs to see if parts will fit into my reality. Some do, and some don’t.

        What you said about not really needing to vent anymore, I get that personally. As I become more comfortable with being alone (it is actually really nice) and I continue to grow and explore, I no longer need to vent to anyone but myself. My journal is my ear, if you will. But when I was in the thick of my emotions during a breakup or working through a trauma in the beginning of this journey, I needed another being. I think that is really what it comes down to: connection.

        Once we have that connection to ourselves, though… well, that’s a whole new playing field where the rest of the world can be a connection only when we want to connect for fulfillment purposes. Not everyone is like this; I myself have a hermit mentality and have always been drawn to communing with my ancestors, higher self, and nature. I often go outside and just chat it up with the trees, the grass, the bees. Human can be hard to connect to on deep levels. I find it frustrating becasue just as I deeply know myself and the natural world around me I want to know others as well. People are guarded for the most part and let fear keep them from fully embracing all that they are. People like you are rare, at least in my encounters. I have met more people suffering than I have people who are trying to heal and be better.

        I am not big on routine, well strict routine anyway. I usually wake up around 5am, but some days my body needs more rest. I tend to go where energy leads me. I listen to my body and as I maintain a routine for a bit I also fall off it sometimes and then will pick it up again for a time. Too much routine and strict regiment doesn’t leave much room for new things to happen. My mind becomes bored with monotomy and begins to suffer. I have learned over the years that I need my schedule to have flow and flex so I can keep my mind agile and full of spark.

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      • The connection is definitely a big factor. I’ve heard a theory that once we pass, we tend to wait around a bit for our connections to pass so we can all incarnate together as part of a “soul contract.” There’s a lot of ways to poke holes in that, especially with the idea that the dead aren’t as bound by space and time which means they wouldn’t need to wait like we do, but I find the basic idea of a soul contract to be intuitively believable, if not factually supportable.

        I think it’s awesome that you talk to nature and spirits! As my belief in a nonvisible world developed (it’s actually being taken seriously by some science/government credentialed folks in the UFO community and has been referred to as a “shadow biome”) I too, have felt companionship without other people around. Last year, Tyler Henry’s life after death kept popping up on my netflix feed. I was much more dismissive of psi and afterlife stuff then, but I finally relented and said fine, I’ll watch for five minutes. I got totally sucked in, not because I find the topic interesting necessarily, but because of the positivity he framed afterlife contact in. My intuition was like yes, ghosts aren’t out to freak us out or drive us to insanity (well maybe you can attract one of those if you’re super negative for an extended stretch). We’ve got disembodied companions rooting for us, watching over us, celebrating our triumphs with us, and shaking their heads when we make a mountain out of a molehill. That’s my take on it, anyway. Anyways, I think it’s awesome that you let yourself be open with whatever might be out there beyond the physical. I feel like it adds seasoning to life! Without creativity, intuition, and an openness to the mysterious, life can start turning into a constant barrage of bland boiled chicken!

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      • I have heard that theory. I took a Religions of the World class, and there were a lot of discussions about the various beliefs surrounding the soul and death. I do believe that everyone we have meaningful interactions with, we have known in a past life. As far as ghosts go, I believe there are indeed different types of energies, if you will. Some are like stains; when something traumatic happens, that energy can leave a residue that needs to be healed or cleared. Most people just let it freak them out, but I see it as an energy that is trapped and suffering endlessly. I think some ghosts wait for their families or have ‘unfinished business’. I actually had a personal experience with an entity that attached itself to me. I had to undergo a Shamanic exorcism, which might sound like a scary movie, but it was more of a ritual that pulled the energy out of me. I will never forget the image I saw during that. As it was being pulled out, it appeared as a black, mangled-looking thing, but as it was removed, we also cleansed the energy, and it transformed into a glowing being of light that flew away. I could feel its gratitude. Whatever you believe, or not, I think that things attach to us because they need help. I always want to go to ‘scary’ places to help whatever is left there. I went to Salem a couple years ago and what I felt there … words can’t even describe… I will go back someday and help what I can. If you ever want to talk energy and spirits I am up for it! haha

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      • Oh man, I love the topic of energy and spirits! I have recently begun viewing the afterlife as another dimension, instead of an end. I can’t remember who said it, but it resonated with me when someone said the dead view US as dead, in that we’re much more perceptually restricted, especially in regards to time and space. Their analogy was that if death is a door, you have a sprawling city with all kinds of cool parks and attractions on the “dead” side, and in comparison, it’s like a narrow hallway on our side.

        I saw one apparition in my 20s, but it looked like a waist high, blue-glowing outline of a human, no features or face or anything like that. I was super freaked out by it, but I’ll probably start seeing them again sooner or later, because I’m focusing on the subject matter so much. Pretty brave of you to go to scary places! I’m not so inclined to do that, especially since I heard about the hitchhiker effect, where if you encounter the paranormal, it opens up your perception to it and it starts following you around and even attaches to family and friends. I found it fascinating that UFO sightings can trigger the hitchhiker effect, and that apparently UFOs and their non-human pilots are deeply intertwined with paranormal and psi phenomena. I used to think they were just advanced nuts-and-bolts and paranormal was a completely different thing, but apparently that’s not the case.

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      • Yes, this is what happened. An energy did in fact ‘hitchhike’ onto me. But I have the ability to help, more so now than back then. Back then I had no idea. And I don’t necessarily go out of my way to go to ‘scary places’ haha but sometimes I am drawn to them. I think these are the ones asking for help. If that makes sense. Some places are a clear ‘get away’ and I respect that. I feel if you disrespect it that is when you invite trouble.
        When I was in high school my friends and I hung out at the ruins of an old insane asylum and smoked pot haha Great spot right!? I remember one night we were crawling through areas and there was a little boy croutched between some fallen concrete walls hugging his knees. He turned and looked at me and I screamed, hit my head, and ran out. My friends went back in and looked for him but couldn’t find him. I hope that spirit found peace.
        I think time is the biggest made up myth but it is so ingrained that we cannot escape it. Time is not linear, everything exists all at once. I truly believe this. Somtimes we get glimpses but I think we need to evolve more, especially in our thinking, to be able to fully ‘see’.

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      • I agree with you on time. I think it allows us to weave together a narrative of experiences, which is one of the primary reasons I suspect that we detached from source. However, I think a lot of us take it way too far in thinking along the illusory one-way flow. Recently, I’ve liked to use my imagination to have conversations with a future self, or tell my past self it’s going to be okay, even though you might not know exactly how. It kind of hit me the other day that historically, I haven’t really thought kindly of my past self. I’ve condemned him as dumb, unevolved, ignorant, incapable, and a data point to show how much better things are now, instead of just appreciating him as doing his best with what he had and having the courage to push forth into adventure. I started to realize if I want advice and guidance from a future self, I can pass it on and be more compassionate toward my past self. Kind of the concept behind Interstellar or Tenet, I think.

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      • I used to view my past self in the same light. I now hold her in reverence, I hold her in a healing and understanding light. I agree we can go back in time and heal as well as affect our future selves (or talk with). I had to come to the realization that we are all operating from what we have in each moment. This includes ourselves. I can beat up those past versions of me, but I also recognize the pain each part of me was in back then. I now embrace all those past and future versions of myself out there in the multiverse. Infinite versions of myself living in their own respective realities, showing them all love and respect.

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      • I had a follow-on realization to this the other day, where if you go far enough into the future selves, they turn into light beings, then god-forms, and if you go far enough back with the past selves, same thing. So being nice to the intermediate stages is kind of like being nice to a kid or a beginner, I think. I’m focusing on the idea they’re designed to learn and experience, not be judged and berated.

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  3. I can agree that emotional management is like a game. But so is life there’s many trial & errors before truly mastering it & will we ever truly master emotional management or even life? Probably not, but we can most certainly have fun & gain more experience with it. Love this post

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  9. I must admit, most of this conversation, and most of your musings even, I would need a translator for… 😆

    I feel out of my depth here, like a child coming along trying to find where the sand pit is whilst all you intellectuals talk…but I will add if I may… that “calm seas do not produce experienced sailors… ”

    Therefore, personally… I do not wish for calm seas.

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  10. Also the fact that, the only person who used to support me on here like you have been doing… was Ashley L Peterson from Mental Health @ Home. The anniversary of her death is coming up to one year, on the 9th of this month. It still upsets me…

    Please don’t feel you have to support me though. I’m just saying as I do not want you to feel obligated. I am OK with being a loner as it were on here…

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