“These essays are good.” My English teacher, Professor Dickbore, says from behind his Very Serious mahogany podium. He shuffles through them, nodding approvingly. “All save one.” He looks over top of his genius-villain spectacles, canvassing his students with a dead-eyed gaze. “Kent Wayne. Your pathetic attempt at communicative writing is nothing short of an abomination.”
Gulp. My adam’s apple slides up and down. “Ah, if I could just say a few words in my defense…”
“Grammar is non-negotiable.” He grasps the papers in one hand, turning them into a makeshift tube, and points them directly at my face. “Your essay doesn’t just break the rules; it bends them over the side of a barrel and violates their anus with a rusty coat hanger. Unacceptable, Kent. UN. ACCEPTABLE.”
I gather my things and rise to my feet. “Well, if there’s nothing more…”
“BRING ME HIS SCROTUM!” Dickbore screams.
His Grammar Nazi thralls chant, “YES, MILORD!” Then they rush me in a snarling tide of pasty limbs, receding hairlines, and jawline-devoid faces.
SHIT!
Not only do I lift regularly, I’ve also acquired a moderate degree of hobbyist jiu-jitsu. But still—I’m no match for dozens of goons. I manage to hip-toss one and blood-choke another before the rest swarm me. We all go down in a giant clatter of desks and books.
There’s…so…many…
And they’re…so…ANGRY…
Fuck it. No options left. So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Like manna from heaven, protein powder materializes above us and begins to drift gently down. As it alights on the Grammar Nazis’ skin, they spontaneously burst into flames and scramble every which way. One of them blurts out guttural grunts—RUH! RUH! RUUUUUUUUHHH!!!—before crashing through a fifth-story window and plummeting five stories to his gruesome death. Another shits out his entire ensemble of vital organs. Predictably enough, his still-beating heart is little more than a blackened, stunted remnant.
(Protein powder: serves as a valuable tool for recovery and performance, and as a lethal deterrent against crazed Grammar Nazis. Who knew???)
Exit me, stage left. I run out of the classroom, cackling in glee. Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
😀
Is your writing being picked at and neutered by a brainless horde of finger-wagging grammarians? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
Kent Wayne 
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