I’m at a company BBQ, wandering off to the bathroom, when the boss’s wife sneaks up behind me and puts me in a rear-naked choke, hooks sunk in and everything. ย (Has anyone else noted the rise of the alpha soccer mom? ย They’re exactly what you’d expect if you gave Nietschze a gajillion dollars to raise the perfect assassin) ย She whispers into my ear: ย “My office-drone husband may only be two inches…but he’s thick. ย Quit making fun of him in your stupid ads.” ย I try to gurgle a protest as I work my choke defense by chinning into the crook of her elbow and crab-walking towards her choke-hand, but she’s too damn good, and she only sinks her armย deeper into my neck. ย She grins and hisses, “You’re gonna wish your daddy pulled out early.” ย The world starts fuzzing, and large blooms of black begin erupting in my vision. ย Ah God…I’m sorry that I peed on the toilet paper when I was seven…I’m sorry that I blew a booger onto my neighbor’s doorknob that one time he was being a doucher…I scrabble a hand into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo. ย Magic flash. ย A blonde bob appears at the edge of my vision. ย The face is shadowed, but once the figure comes closer, I see it’s none other than Martha Stewart. ย I hear her snicker and say, “Jiu-jitsu. ย I learned that on Day One during my stay in the Big House.” ย She turns, spits, and deadpans, “Amateur.” ย The boss’s wife begins hollering for her soccer mom allies to come to her aid, but Martha puts a hand over her mouth. ย “Shhhh….shhhh…it’ll all be over soon.” ย Then the Food Network Queen pries the soccer mom off me and holds her up with one hand. ย The soccer mom is screaming and hollering, throwing a series of Krav Maga strikes at Martha. ย Martha slaps each blow away, her eyes dead and lackluster. ย It’s like watching an evil version of Neo fighting Agent Smith. ย Martha rears her right hand back, then shoots it forwardโstraight into Soccer Mom’s chest. ย Soccer Mom grips Martha’s forearm with both hands, gasping, her eyes widening as flecks of blood fly from her lips with each stunted breath. ย Martha pulls out Soccer Mom’s heart with her right hand, simultaneously stiff-arming Soccer Mom away with her left and sending her flying backward. ย Soccer Mom collapses in a heap and breathes her last. ย I watch in horror as Martha chows down on the still-beating heart, smears of blood dashed across her face like barbarian war paint. ย She grins at me and says, “You’re welcome.” ย I hightail it out of there, knowing that for the rest of my life, I will sleep in a fetal position and be haunted byย Martha’s bloody, heart-devouring grin.
There is only one answer for a martial arts expert Soccer Mom. ย And that is a Hannibal Lecterized Martha Stewart. ย Getย Echo Vol. 1 on Kindleย here: ย Vol. 1 on Kindle. ย Vol. 2 on Kindle here: ย Vol.2 on Kindleย Vol. 3 on Kindle here: ย Vol. 3 on Kindle


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