My inclination toward giant burritos, cholula sauce, and pizza with extra onions does NOT make me the polite fart-ninja that society expects me to be.

(I’m basically a walking time bomb.)

Which is why I thank Batman in Gotham as I rush into the bathroom, drop trou, and sacrifice five pounds of mass to the porcelain godhead.  A sigh of relief escapes my lips, and I reach out for the seemingly full toilet paper roll, but my hand passes right through it.

Wait—WHAT???

I try again, but the bulk of the toilet paper appears to be nothing more than a cleverly constructed hologram.  A mechanized voice sounds through the confines of the cold, tiled bathroom: 

“AHAHAHA!  OHOHOHOHO!  THE GREAT KENT WAYNE, RENDERED HELPLESS BY A LACK OF TOILET PAPER!  MWAHAHAHA!”

I instantly recognize that foul, testosterone-deprived inflection.   “Grammar Nazi Prime.  What do you want?”

After a few more Jarvis-esque chuckles, he says, “THERE ARE STILL THREE SQUARES IN THE DISPENSER, DEAR KENT.”

“How the hell do you expect me to—”

“I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LETHAL COLON, MY DEAR WRITER.  PLENTY OF SOCCER MOMS HAVE SPENT YEARS IN REHAB AFTER BEING EXPOSED TO ONE OF THOSE NIGHTTIME CATACLYSMS YOU SO CAVALIERLY TERM ‘MIDNIGHT FACE-MELTERS.’  YOUR ASS IS HIGHLY TOXIC; SHOULD YOU WALK OUT OF HERE WITHOUT THOROUGHLY CLEANING IT, ITS UNGODLY RESIDUE WILL EAT RIGHT THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES AND THEN YOUR FLESH.  AHAHAHA!”

I close my eyes and focus my chi.  Okay, Kent—you can do this.  I break a square off and hold it up to the light.

“Hey!” I shout, staring at the paper.  “You’ve perforated this goddamn square throughout its insides!  My finger’s going to—”

“POKE RIGHT THROUGH.  YES, KENT—WHICH HAND WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOSE?”

“You BASTARD!” I scream.

“BEST GET STARTED—TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN!  MWAHAHAHA!”

I feel like an eighties action hero, trying to decide whether to cut the blue wire or the red one.  Sweat pours down my face as I use the first square.  Okay…my hand’s fine.  Second square—so far, so good.  Third square…

The perforated paper rips apart, and my finger pokes through.

“AHHHHHH!!!!!”  I roll on the ground, clutching my defiled hand by its wrist.  The flesh shrivels off the bone in stop-motion twitches, then the skeleton dries into ashes and crumbles away.

Only one option left.  I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My arm begins respawning.  Only this time, instead of a hand, Chuck Norris’s head blossoms out from my bloody stump.

“Ha HA!” he yells.  “Let’s go kick us some Grammar Nazi ass!  ’Merca!”

I reach toward the door, and his eyes go all karate-crazy wide as he chomps down on the knob and twists his neck.  The door swings open and I go run off into the night, ready to wreak an assload of vengeance with my bearded, 99th degree, black-belted hand.

The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci fi author and perennial Man Child—and his Chuck Norris-headed hand continue!  😀

Has your archnemesis trapped you within a diabolical game of fecal atrocities?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

I don’t really need a mouthpiece, but when I enter virtual reality, it increases my coolness factor by several orders of magnitude.  That’s why once the helmet’s emplaced on my skull, I bite down on the rubberized mold, and rasp:  “Get me hypnagogic.”

PSHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!  My psyche is sent rocketing through a series of fractalized mandalas that open and blossom in rapid-fire sequence.  Finally, as I bust through the last one (it’s called Going Beyond the Chrysanthemum), I tumble into a plane of light-woven wireframes.  Equations drift through the air, combining and unspooling into myriad descriptions of untapped possibility.

I flex my will, instantiating a cybernetic velociraptor under my butt.  I pull the reigns on Grimstroke, my faithful dino mount, and he goes galloping through the aether, his alloyed paws sparking with lasers.  I squeeze his flanks with my thighs, signaling him to jump over a trio of machinic imps that are using infant galaxies to play a game of jacks.

Suddenly, an earth-shaking titter rocks the virtual-verse.  I resist the urge to shit my pants and look toward its source.  A giant-boobed, giant-butted cartoon of a human is gabbling on her phone, her surgery-widened eyes ticking across the air as she puts on a practice-honed “omagawd” face.

It’s Kim Kardashian.

I don’t know why she would choose her true form in this unchecked realm of imaginal potential, but that’s how she rolls, I guess.  Her vacant eyes tick across the dreamscape, then lock onto mine.  Her face crinkles with burning rage.

“YOU!”

I point at my chest.  “Me?  Uh…what did I do?”

“TOO MANY WORDS!  RUAAAAHHHH!!!”  She begins galloping toward me on all fours, her parts shaking and jiggling like electrocuted jello.  In the span of a second, she grows fifty feet tall and wraps her manicured nails around my body.

“AAAAAHHHH!!!”  I try to free myself, but it’s no use; she’s too damn strong.  She sticks me in between her buttcheeks and starts moving her hips back and forth in an ultra-fast shimmy.  BOINGBOINGBOINGBOINGBOINGBOING!

I’m pinballed back and forth between either cheek, lost in a world of silicone mayhem.  With each fleshy bounce, a little more of my sanity unravels.  I clutch my head with my hands and let loose with a soul-shattering scream:

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

It won’t be long before my synapses blow and I’m reduced to a drooling, unresponsive vegetable.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Brrzzzttt!  The VR helmet tumbles off my head, sparking and smoking.  For a long while, I stare blankly into space, my fingers gripping the armrests of my chair.

Sweet Beelzebub!  I know we’re about to launch some cool-ass stuff with VR technology, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST????

 

Have you plunged into the virtual, only to find it’s been infected with banality like the rest of our beleaguered reality?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

“Lemme outta here!  LEMME OUT!”

I grab the bars of my cage and pump my arms, trying to loosen their steel-welded joints.  It’s no use.  The Soccer Moms’ prison has been fashioned with high-grade alloy; they refuse to budge so much as a single centimeter.

Being a he-slut fuck-doll is pretty awesome, and normally I don’t mind the fact that my sex-fueled captors have kept me in a cage, but lately, they haven’t been using me for their deviant needs.  The decrease in promiscuity can be attributed to a single reason:

Batteries.

A fresh shipment of batteries has arrived at the compound, and the obsolescence of Kent Wayne has come nigh, for even my diamond-hard, upcurved peen can’t compete against the latest dildroid.

Fuck my life.

But all is not lost.  Unbeknownst to my jailers, I’ve been constructing a gross-ass, semen-crusted version of myself by collecting the starched origami of every one of my jerk-tissues and forming them into a disgusting, sperm-comprised homunculus.  Now, it’s time to bring it to life.

I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“Mrrrrhhhh…”  Crusty Tissue Kent arises from his hiding spot from beneath my bedroll.  Gamete-infused kleenex crackles and pops as he sits up and looks around.

“Hey.”  I snap my fingers and he turns and looks at me.  “Hey!  I need you to slide through the bars and pull the cell-release lever.  Can you do that for me?”

“Ruhhh…”  Crusty Tissue Kent slithers out of the cell—snappapoppop!—and disappears from view.

After a few seconds, my cell door clanks sideways, rasping across a set of gritted metal rails.  Freedom!

I walk outside and see Crusty Tissue Kent staring blankly into space, twerking his butt because that’s his default mode.  Jesus.  What a moron.

“Hey.  Now I need you to transform into a Kleenex velociraptor, and carry me outta here.  Can you do that?”

Crusty Tissue Kent folds his arms together like Barbara Eden in “I Dream of Jeannie” and nods a single time, sharp and brisk.  His body starts folding it on itself—CR’CRACKPOKKAPOP!—and in a matter of seconds, I’m staring at the grossest velociraptor in all of history.

I mount his back and we go charging through the halls.  Before we flee the prison grounds we manage to locate the supply room and destroy all those space-age man-stealers (that’s my name for dildos) and their evil batteries.  There’s no replacement for a true Man Whore, and these Soccer Moms would do well to remember it!  Mwahahaha!

Man Whore perpetuum!  😀

Do you get nervous when you gaze upon the cybernetic craziness your flesh-n-blood junk must now contend with?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜