My inclination toward giant burritos, cholula sauce, and pizza with extra onions does NOT make me the polite fart-ninja that society expects me to be.
(I’m basically a walking time bomb.)
Which is why I thank Batman in Gotham as I rush into the bathroom, drop trou, and sacrifice five pounds of mass to the porcelain godhead. A sigh of relief escapes my lips, and I reach out for the seemingly full toilet paper roll, but my hand passes right through it.
I try again, but the bulk of the toilet paper appears to be nothing more than a cleverly constructed hologram. A mechanized voice sounds through the confines of the cold, tiled bathroom:
“AHAHAHA! OHOHOHOHO! THE GREAT KENT WAYNE, RENDERED HELPLESS BY A LACK OF TOILET PAPER! MWAHAHAHA!”
I instantly recognize that foul, testosterone-deprived inflection. “Grammar Nazi Prime. What do you want?”
After a few more Jarvis-esque chuckles, he says, “THERE ARE STILL THREE SQUARES IN THE DISPENSER, DEAR KENT.”
“How the hell do you expect me to—”
“I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LETHAL COLON, MY DEAR WRITER. PLENTY OF SOCCER MOMS HAVE SPENT YEARS IN REHAB AFTER BEING EXPOSED TO ONE OF THOSE NIGHTTIME CATACLYSMS YOU SO CAVALIERLY TERM ‘MIDNIGHT FACE-MELTERS.’ YOUR ASS IS HIGHLY TOXIC; SHOULD YOU WALK OUT OF HERE WITHOUT THOROUGHLY CLEANING IT, ITS UNGODLY RESIDUE WILL EAT RIGHT THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES AND THEN YOUR FLESH. AHAHAHA!”
I close my eyes and focus my chi. Okay, Kent—you can do this. I break a square off and hold it up to the light.
“Hey!” I shout, staring at the paper. “You’ve perforated this goddamn square throughout its insides! My finger’s going to—”
“POKE RIGHT THROUGH. YES, KENT—WHICH HAND WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOSE?”
“You BASTARD!” I scream.
“BEST GET STARTED—TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN! MWAHAHAHA!”
I feel like an eighties action hero, trying to decide whether to cut the blue wire or the red one. Sweat pours down my face as I use the first square. Okay…my hand’s fine. Second square—so far, so good. Third square…
The perforated paper rips apart, and my finger pokes through.
“AHHHHHH!!!!!” I roll on the ground, clutching my defiled hand by its wrist. The flesh shrivels off the bone in stop-motion twitches, then the skeleton dries into ashes and crumbles away.
Only one option left. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My arm begins respawning. Only this time, instead of a hand, Chuck Norris’s head blossoms out from my bloody stump.
“Ha HA!” he yells. “Let’s go kick us some Grammar Nazi ass! ’Merca!”
I reach toward the door, and his eyes go all karate-crazy wide as he chomps down on the knob and twists his neck. The door swings open and I go run off into the night, ready to wreak an assload of vengeance with my bearded, 99th degree, black-belted hand.
The adventures of Kent Wayne—sci fi author and perennial Man Child—and his Chuck Norris-headed hand continue! 😀
Has your archnemesis trapped you within a diabolical game of fecal atrocities? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜