“I’m the leader of the free fucking world, and I feel utterly powerless. Powerless, John.”
The President of the United States slumped forward on her desk, cradling her head in her hands.
General Halsey cleared his throat. “NATO might get their act together, Madam President. If they can help us retake New York City, then—”
The President shot him a haggard look. Dark bags hung from her red-rimmed eyes. “The last time we tried, JSOC lost over half its operators, and the Marines lost an entire division. The 101st and the 82nd airborne are combat ineffective—down to a tenth of their original troop strength. And for what, John, for what? A block in Manhattan where we’re barely hanging on, where we’re under attack 24/7? You really think that NATO can help us? They can barely distribute food, for Christ’s sake.”
The general looked uneasy. “They’ve helped us before…Granted, they’re a little slow, but—”
The President snorted. “Yeah—AFTER we’ve cut them some under-the-table weapons deals. There’s no more weapons, John—we’re using them all on the INSECTOID INVADERS!” She slammed the desk with both fists, staring furiously ahead at nothing in particular.
The general remained respectfully silent.
She covered her eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry—that was rude of me. It’s been a long day. I haven’t slept in…” she took a deep breath, sighed it out. “It’s been a long day.”
“I understand.” Halsey nodded sympathetically. “There’s still one option we haven’t explored. A classified weapon that’s still in development.”
“Use it,” she said, her eyes still covered. “We’re one step away from a societal reset. If your weapon doesn’t work, we’re going back to the Stone Age. We’ll be living in caves again, hunting shit with rocks and sticks.”
“I’ve got the weapon right here.” Halsey reached in his trouser pocket, withdrew an eReader, and opened it to Musings, Volume 1, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
BAZABBER SNABBER Ba-BOOM!!!!!
I’m Kent Wayne, bitches! 😀
Oh shit—what the fuck am I doing in the oval office, with some gray-balled general and an angry looking lady president behind the desk? Why am I here? Why aren’t I naked? What the fuck…
“Kent Wayne, your country needs you.” General McOldBalls fixes me with a grave, unflinching stare. “Insectoids have invaded the United States. We’ve lost the entire West Coast. Now they’re attacking the tri-state area. New York is barely hanging on—all we’ve got is a single block in lower Manhattan.”
“Uh, so what do you want me to do?” I look back and forth between the President and Old Balls.
“Your horrible taste in music—along with your atrocious singing voice—should be able to short-circuit their hive-mind brains.” The general shoots an uncertain glance at the President, then looks at me again. “According to our techs, anyway.”
“Do it John. Just do it.” The President sounds resigned and beaten.
“Right.” He nods briskly and hands me a microphone. “This is connected to a worldwide speaker system, through a recently deployed nano-bot network. We were planning to use it for clandestine data ops and propaganda saturation, but right now, we need it to project your shitty fucking voice.”
“It’s not that bad,” I say stiffly.
“Let’s not kid ourselves.” He cycles his hand in a hurry-up, hurry-up gesture. “Come on—people are dying.”
Fucking prick…oh well, whatever. This is for apple pie and baseball and alla that good stuff. (Mental note—cum in his coffee after all this is over.)
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Then I bring the microphone close, and—
“YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN GONE! KNOWING HOW I, MADE YOU FEE-EEL…”
“Oh God,” the President gasps. “It’s so bad!”
“AND I SHOULD’VE BEEN GONE! AFTER ALL YOUR, WORDS OF STEE-EEL..”
“My anus,” Halsey moans. “My anus is bleeding!”
“OH I MUST’VE BEEN A DREAMER (MUST’VE BEEN A DREAMER, OH)
AND I MUST’VE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE (SOMEONE ELSE)
AND WE SHOULD’VE BEEN OVER (OVER BY NOW)
OH SHERRIE, OUR LOVE—
HO-OLDS ON, HO-OLDS ON!
OH SHERRIE, OUR LOVE—”
“That’s enough!” the President screeches. “They’re all dead—THEY’RE ALL DEAD!”
“Whew, okay. Cool!” I stop singing and give her an uncertain grin. “How’d I do?”
The President’s lip is red with blood; it’s poured from her nose and made its way down to her chin. Her ears are welling with pinkish-crimson ooze.
“Fine,” she murmurs. “Get the fuck out of here. I’m gonna call the medics.”
As I walk out, I see General Halsey convulsing on the ground, foam spilling from the edges of his lips. His hands and feet are jerking in random, spasmic tics.
Doesn’t change a thing—he’s still a prick.
Still gonna cum in his goddamn coffee.
Is the world being assaulted by a mind-bending evil? Do you need to summon a devastating weapon to send it back to its home dimension? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜