What the pity fuck is going on, all my fellow sleazy, no-game scumbags who’ve managed to pull off the one-in-a-million lay by hugging your paramour’s ankles, ugly-crying like your life depended on it, and screaming, “AHGODPLEASE!” over and over again?  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo!  (And to leave a positive review for it as well!  🙂 )  Just to allay your fears: Echo isn’t about the wince-inducing efforts of some blue-balled man-bitch who manages to score some ’tang by begging and pleading like Bill Paxton’s character in that super hilarious scene from True Lies; nah man—Echo’s all about cyborg face-shooting, dark socioeconomic commentary, and dope-ass psychic weapons like the Blaze Avatar!  Also, if you’ve read any of my books, please remember to leave a positive review for them on Amazon.  Amazon reviews only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to make them; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how mouth-wateringly amazing positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  you’re swinging around with your superhero mentor, the Great Batman Himself, beating faces and asses with unabashed aplomb.  In the midst of round-house kicking that psychopath Joker between his grinning chops, the lower half of Batman’s armor becomes undone.  His codpiece flops away, and his tiny, shriveled phallus wiggles and squirms like an electrified soybean sprout.  As all the villains point and laugh, Batman screams, “NO—DON’T LOOK AT IT!” and cups his junk, which is as ugly and small as a baby mole-rat.  Some of the others murmur:  “It all makes sense—THAT’S why he’s angry!”  But wait!  Kent Wayne swings by on a grapnel and yells, “Here—you can have some of mine!”  He detaches a giant handful of his magic phallus (it instantly grows back, like some kind of penile hydra) and throws it down to Batman, who affixes it to the end of his withered peen.  His unimpressive wiener grows from something barely qualified to flick a woman’s bean into a full-on Level 99 Womb Hammer.  “Yes!” he screams.  “YES!”  Then he begins beating ass like there’s no tomorrow, his giant dong flopping by his kneecaps.  B’BAM!  There is a God!  See, that rush of relief you’d feel at knowing your favorite superhero is packing a set of genitals that compliment his type-A personality and sculpted physique is EXACTLY what we indie authors feel when we get a positive review on Amazon!  So do your favorite indie author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne a non-bean-sprout-genitaled favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Zons!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle  #kindleunlimited  #sciencefiction  #scifi  #books  #novel  #book

OhgodohgodohGODDDD…

I press firmly up against the rightmost urinal, buttressing my pelvis with my back, the wall, and an adjacent toilet stall.  Hopefully, this’ll keep prying eyes away from my crotch.  If anyone were to see what I’m packing between my legs…

Suddenly, I hear a passel of Bros walk through the door.  I hear them exchanging fist-bumps, snort-laughs, and slang from the streets that’s been watered down by the passage of time, along with a vast range of suburb-borne filters.

Trickles of sweat bead down my forehead.  They clump against my quivering lips, then drip off the end of my moistened chin.

“Hey, check it out—this guy’s trying to impregnate the urinal!”

Braying laughter erupts from behind me.  I close my eyes and fight back tears.

“What’s your name, urinal humper?”  I feel a booger-flecked hand clamp down on my shoulder.

“Please,” I whisper.  “Don’t.”

The guy starts shaking me.  “Damn dude!  Your dick must be small as hell if—”

He yanks me back, and I lose my balance and stumble onto my butt.  A quartet of backwards-capped Bros stare at my crotch, their condescending smirks changing first into astonishment, then into unbridled fury.

“IT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE!” One of them screams.  “THIS GUY’S HUNG LIKE A BEER CAN!  KILL HIM NOW, BEFORE OUR COLLECTIVE PENIS ENVY CAN TAKE ROOT IN OUR MINDS!”

As they fall upon me in a popped-collar dogpile, I wriggle and squirm, trying to extricate myself from their frat-boy fury.  One of them buries his head in my chest, and delivers savage uppercuts to my scrotum and glans.  With every punch, his body shakes with a beast-like grunt.

No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My wiener rears up and wraps itself around Mr. Nut-puncher McNutterson.  It slithers and squeezes, bearing down on his neck like an angry anaconda.  Nut-puncher gasps and grabs at his throat.

Wiener quivers and jerks, breaking the guy’s neck.

“WHO DARES???”  Wiener roars.  “WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER???”

The rest of the Bros stumble back and exchange stricken, panicked looks.  Wiener attacks the two on my right, blurring the air with a series of wh’PAPs, sla-SLAPs, and THIPPITYTHIPPITYTHIPPITYs that would inspire E. Honda to try and up his game by turning his Hundred Hand Slap into a Billion Hand Slap.

The pair of Bros are knocked cold.  As they flop onto their backs, I catch a glimpse of their beaten faces.  Their eyes are nearly swollen shut.  Their bruise-bulged cheeks make both of them look like they just tried to swallow a bottle of tennis balls.

One of the two remaining Bros tries to turn tail and flee, but Wiener screams, “OH NO YOU DON’T!!!” and wraps himself around the dude’s ankles, yanking back so the guy’s legs fly out from under him.  His chin clacks against the floor and he loses consciousness.

The other guy bursts out of the bathroom.  I run through the door and see him fleeing down the hall. 

Wiener looks me in the eye.  “Special Projectile Move #489, Kent!  Ice this fucker!”

I reply with a steady nod.  “You got it, Wiener!”

I grab Wiener’s head and spin in place like a world-class discus thrower.  After five revolutions, I let Wiener fly.  As he shoots dozens of yards down the hall, a flaming umbra surrounds his helmet, Dragonball-Z-style, and I hear him unleash a vicious war cry.

“aaaaaAAAAAHHHHH I’MCOMINGFORYOUFUCKFACE!!!!!”

And then he hits the Bro’s head, knocking it clean off his shoulders.  Wiener sling-shots back and I hold my arm out like a falconer, so he can coil around it and bleed off momentum.  At the other end of the hallway, the Bro’s headless corpse drops to its knees and falls to its side, staining the tile with arterial blood.

And so Kent Wayne and Wiener wandered the lands, saving beautiful maidens from terrible danger and thwarting villainy wherever they found it.  They had many an adventure, and eventually made their way into the Enchanted Booty Forest, where they established a peaceful kingdom that offered save haven to all Big Wienered Folk.

*Epic theme song from ’Kent Wayne and Wiener’ television series*

 

Are you beset on all sides by genital envy?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle  #kindleunlimited  #sciencefiction  #scifi  #books  #novel  #book

“Ha ha!  Check this out!”  I stuff an armload of nuts into my mouth, and in a matter of seconds, my cheeks bulge outward like a giant, hairy scrotum.

“That’s disgusting, Kent.”  My best friend and fellow squirrel, Reepers, says.

I pay him no mind, and continue stuffing nuts into my gibber until the skin on my face stretches painfully taut.  Then I raise my paws and rub the outside of my cheeks, slitting my eyes in mock ecstasy.  “Mmmmm….OHHHHH…..”

Reepers can’t help it; he busts out in laughter.  I gulp the nuts down and flop onto my side, relaxing in our sun-warmed tree-hole.

“Aaaah…being a squirrel is the BEST.”

Reepers folds his hands behind his head and leans back, his lips stretching into a contented smile.  “You said it, Kent.”

“What do you wanna do?  Eat some more nuts?  See what the ’munks are up to?”

“I dunno…” Reepers looks down at his throbbing boner.  “I need to mate soon.”  He looks back up at me.  “Yeah, let’s go see what ’munks are up to.”

My eyes crinkle in disgust.  “Dude, you’re disgusting.  Are you seriously telling me that you’re gonna—”

Reepers issues a long, protracted sigh.  “Kent, it’s 2018.  Your hangups about interspecies sex aren’t just gauche, they’re HOLYDARKKNIGHTINGOTH—”

A giant paw grabs hold of his tail and yanks him out of our tree-hole.  A second later, I hear the excited squeal of a human child.

“Good job, Yowlers!  Tear apart this unwashed filth, so that we may better appease our Daemonite overlords!”

Daemonite WHAT?  I run up to the lip of the hole, and see Reepers in the hands of a freckle-faced boy, who’s stroking an orange tabby with a booger-fingered hand.

“Leave me, Kent!” Reepers gasps, managing to break through his freeze response.  “This is a suburban child!  You don’t stand a chance against his entitlement mentality, or his dull, brutish mind!”

“NO!” I scream.  “I’M NOT LEAVING YOU!”  And with tears streaming down my face, I run over to the eReader we stole in the Great Heist of 7093 Balboa St. and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I look from paw to paw, my lips parting in wonder as chain-linked pieces of weaponized alloy spindle across my arms.  Tiny squirrel armor begins clanking over me, flashing with an anime-style gleam before locking into place.  I hear Reepers roar in fury and run back over to the edge of the hole.  The same thing is happening to him; tiny thrusters emerge from his flanks, and miniature katanas section out from his fingers.

He begins swinging his glowing katanas like a goddamn samurai.  The suburbanite child and his evil feline howl in terror as Reepers slices ribbons of flesh from their filthy bodies.

As a pair of cybernetic wings snap out from my backside, Danny Elfman’s Batman theme trumpets from a miniature set of speakers attached to my chest.  My clean-burn rocketry ignites and glimmers, flooding the tree-hole with flickering light.  I leap from the hole and—

“SCIURIDAE VITAE!”

—let loose with a war cry.  Clusters of nine-barreled lasers emerge from my wrists.  They begin spinning into an incandescent blur as they blast out streams  of directed energy fire.  The child and the feline are in full retreat, hunching down and trying to avoid the barrage of swords n’ sizzle.

Yeah—don’t fuck with squirrels; we might transform into a bionic force for justice that riddles your corpse with smoking wounds.

Are you a chill-ass rodent who just wants to sunbathe and eat some nuts?  I’ve got just the thing for you!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle  #kindleunlimited  #sciencefiction  #scifi  #books  #novel  #book