“This wizard…he vexes me.”
I spread my massive, hairy-knuckled fingers across the the Royal Tableau: a sculpted table made of letholite stone. It depicts the nooks and crannies of my barbarian domain—the kingdom known as Kent’s Korner—in stunningly intricate detail.
My chief adviser, Longbeard, clears his throat. “It is said that he hails from the future, milord, and that he is in possession of great and terrible powers.”
My eyes tick across the tableau. “I, too, hail from the future. And I know of no being that can demolish an entire troop of Kor’thanki warriors. My men have the strongest backs, the sharpest minds, and the biggest wieners in the entire history of the Seven Realms.”
Longbeard rubs his neck. “Don’t see what that last part has to do with anything…but yes milord—it is a mystery. This wizard has piked the heads of every warrior we’ve sent against him. He’s also reduced their forms into shriveled husks of their former selves, and adorned them with some form of sparkling foulness.”
“It is called glitter, Longbeard. And their bodies have undergone a metamorphosis which, in the future, denotes a lack of penile length and testicular fecunditude. In my old life, we called these beings ‘beta-males.’ ”
Widened eyes. “Truly?”
“It is not a fate I would wish upon anyone.” I whisper a prayer and make the sign of the Warrior’s Star.
“Well perhaps if we were to convert more of our quick-strike raiders into long range scouts, then we could garner—HHGGGLLLPP!!!”
A shadowy figure slides through Longbeard’s legs, darting its hand back and ripping off his nuts. Another raises a sparking wand and jams it into his crotch, electrocuting my adviser with a billion volts of unholy voltage.
“LONGBEARD!” I swing my axe up, ready to strike, but it’s too late—we Kor’Thankis rely on our wieners and ballsacks for everything from cardiac activity to advanced cognition. Once they’re damaged, we die within seconds.
Longbeard collapses to the floor, his uncomprehending eyes staring up at the ceiling. His two killers step out into the light. My breath catches in my throat.
It all makes sense. The Dark Wizard…
It was Justin Bieber all along.
The one on the right levels a wickedly angled scimitar at my face. “The Great Justin demands your penis on a stick, King Kent. Through his magicks, you will be allowed to live as his beta-male bard. You will croon beta-male ballads whilst you feed him a mixture of grapes and caviar.”
“NEVER!” I scream. “I’ll NEVER JOIN YOU!”
And then I reach into my satchel and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
Both my hands form into skull-festooned guitars. The air around them erupts with jets of flames and miniature fireworks. Their strings start twanging, blasting out the opening riff to Ozzy Ozborne’s “Crazy Train,” then switch over to Metallica’s “Master of Puppets.” Metal-powered wind rips through the room, drowning everything out with its screaming howl. The Beliebers shield their filthy evil faces with their gauntleted forearms.
“YOUR TARP-LIKE SCROTUM IS OURS, KENT WAYNE! WE’LL FRICASSEE IT IN OLIVE OIL AND—”
And then The Power of Metal conjures an interdimensional portal which sucks me in. After I rocket through a seeming eternity of sentient, light-comprised mandalas, I’m spat unceremoniously out onto my sperm-starched sheets (hey, I wash em every now and then…when the crackling and crinkling keeps me from sleeping), in my San Francisco studio of 2018.
Ha HA! The adventures of Kent Wayne (sci fi author, former barbarian king, and shameless sperm-slinger) continues!
Are you in a tight spot? Do you require a Hail Mary save through the Power of Metal? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜