I press firmly up against the rightmost urinal, buttressing my pelvis with my back, the wall, and an adjacent toilet stall. Hopefully, this’ll keep prying eyes away from my crotch. If anyone were to see what I’m packing between my legs…
Suddenly, I hear a passel of Bros walk through the door. I hear them exchanging fist-bumps, snort-laughs, and slang from the streets that’s been watered down by the passage of time, along with a vast range of suburb-borne filters.
Trickles of sweat bead down my forehead. They clump against my quivering lips, then drip off the end of my moistened chin.
“Hey, check it out—this guy’s trying to impregnate the urinal!”
Braying laughter erupts from behind me. I close my eyes and fight back tears.
“What’s your name, urinal humper?” I feel a booger-flecked hand clamp down on my shoulder.
“Please,” I whisper. “Don’t.”
The guy starts shaking me. “Damn dude! Your dick must be small as hell if—”
He yanks me back, and I lose my balance and stumble onto my butt. A quartet of backwards-capped Bros stare at my crotch, their condescending smirks changing first into astonishment, then into unbridled fury.
“IT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE!” One of them screams. “THIS GUY’S HUNG LIKE A BEER CAN! KILL HIM NOW, BEFORE OUR COLLECTIVE PENIS ENVY CAN TAKE ROOT IN OUR MINDS!”
As they fall upon me in a popped-collar dogpile, I wriggle and squirm, trying to extricate myself from their frat-boy fury. One of them buries his head in my chest, and delivers savage uppercuts to my scrotum and glans. With every punch, his body shakes with a beast-like grunt.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener rears up and wraps itself around Mr. Nut-puncher McNutterson. It slithers and squeezes, bearing down on his neck like an angry anaconda. Nut-puncher gasps and grabs at his throat.
Wiener quivers and jerks, breaking the guy’s neck.
“WHO DARES???” Wiener roars. “WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER???”
The rest of the Bros stumble back and exchange stricken, panicked looks. Wiener attacks the two on my right, blurring the air with a series of wh’PAPs, sla-SLAPs, and THIPPITYTHIPPITYTHIPPITYs that would inspire E. Honda to try and up his game by turning his Hundred Hand Slap into a Billion Hand Slap.
The pair of Bros are knocked cold. As they flop onto their backs, I catch a glimpse of their beaten faces. Their eyes are nearly swollen shut. Their bruise-bulged cheeks make both of them look like they just tried to swallow a bottle of tennis balls.
One of the two remaining Bros tries to turn tail and flee, but Wiener screams, “OH NO YOU DON’T!!!” and wraps himself around the dude’s ankles, yanking back so the guy’s legs fly out from under him. His chin clacks against the floor and he loses consciousness.
The other guy bursts out of the bathroom. I run through the door and see him fleeing down the hall.
Wiener looks me in the eye. “Special Projectile Move #489, Kent! Ice this fucker!”
I reply with a steady nod. “You got it, Wiener!”
I grab Wiener’s head and spin in place like a world-class discus thrower. After five revolutions, I let Wiener fly. As he shoots dozens of yards down the hall, a flaming umbra surrounds his helmet, Dragonball-Z-style, and I hear him unleash a vicious war cry.
And then he hits the Bro’s head, knocking it clean off his shoulders. Wiener sling-shots back and I hold my arm out like a falconer, so he can coil around it and bleed off momentum. At the other end of the hallway, the Bro’s headless corpse drops to its knees and falls to its side, staining the tile with arterial blood.
And so Kent Wayne and Wiener wandered the lands, saving beautiful maidens from terrible danger and thwarting villainy wherever they found it. They had many an adventure, and eventually made their way into the Enchanted Booty Forest, where they established a peaceful kingdom that offered save haven to all Big Wienered Folk.
*Epic theme song from ’Kent Wayne and Wiener’ television series*
Are you beset on all sides by genital envy? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜