“Ha ha! Check this out!” I stuff an armload of nuts into my mouth, and in a matter of seconds, my cheeks bulge outward like a giant, hairy scrotum.
“That’s disgusting, Kent.” My best friend and fellow squirrel, Reepers, says.
I pay him no mind, and continue stuffing nuts into my gibber until the skin on my face stretches painfully taut. Then I raise my paws and rub the outside of my cheeks, slitting my eyes in mock ecstasy. “Mmmmm….OHHHHH…..”
Reepers can’t help it; he busts out in laughter. I gulp the nuts down and flop onto my side, relaxing in our sun-warmed tree-hole.
“Aaaah…being a squirrel is the BEST.”
Reepers folds his hands behind his head and leans back, his lips stretching into a contented smile. “You said it, Kent.”
“What do you wanna do? Eat some more nuts? See what the ’munks are up to?”
“I dunno…” Reepers looks down at his throbbing boner. “I need to mate soon.” He looks back up at me. “Yeah, let’s go see what ’munks are up to.”
My eyes crinkle in disgust. “Dude, you’re disgusting. Are you seriously telling me that you’re gonna—”
Reepers issues a long, protracted sigh. “Kent, it’s 2018. Your hangups about interspecies sex aren’t just gauche, they’re HOLYDARKKNIGHTINGOTH—”
A giant paw grabs hold of his tail and yanks him out of our tree-hole. A second later, I hear the excited squeal of a human child.
“Good job, Yowlers! Tear apart this unwashed filth, so that we may better appease our Daemonite overlords!”
Daemonite WHAT? I run up to the lip of the hole, and see Reepers in the hands of a freckle-faced boy, who’s stroking an orange tabby with a booger-fingered hand.
“Leave me, Kent!” Reepers gasps, managing to break through his freeze response. “This is a suburban child! You don’t stand a chance against his entitlement mentality, or his dull, brutish mind!”
“NO!” I scream. “I’M NOT LEAVING YOU!” And with tears streaming down my face, I run over to the eReader we stole in the Great Heist of 7093 Balboa St. and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I look from paw to paw, my lips parting in wonder as chain-linked pieces of weaponized alloy spindle across my arms. Tiny squirrel armor begins clanking over me, flashing with an anime-style gleam before locking into place. I hear Reepers roar in fury and run back over to the edge of the hole. The same thing is happening to him; tiny thrusters emerge from his flanks, and miniature katanas section out from his fingers.
He begins swinging his glowing katanas like a goddamn samurai. The suburbanite child and his evil feline howl in terror as Reepers slices ribbons of flesh from their filthy bodies.
As a pair of cybernetic wings snap out from my backside, Danny Elfman’s Batman theme trumpets from a miniature set of speakers attached to my chest. My clean-burn rocketry ignites and glimmers, flooding the tree-hole with flickering light. I leap from the hole and—
—let loose with a war cry. Clusters of nine-barreled lasers emerge from my wrists. They begin spinning into an incandescent blur as they blast out streams of directed energy fire. The child and the feline are in full retreat, hunching down and trying to avoid the barrage of swords n’ sizzle.
Yeah—don’t fuck with squirrels; we might transform into a bionic force for justice that riddles your corpse with smoking wounds.
Are you a chill-ass rodent who just wants to sunbathe and eat some nuts? I’ve got just the thing for you! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜